My Diary

Yeah..I don't know what keeps me going, it's completely strange for me to know that for some time even though it was just a day someone had loved me, not just anyone but her, that indescribable perfection so much so that after, before and at the moment that everything happened it felt like a fever dream, that nothing happened, i don't know what i'm doing here but i am and will be from now on always trying to do the best for everyone around me, i will try not to be so rude and i will accept everything as it is with more ease, I am living more with my mother, making her please and controlling my emotional outbursts, it is very difficult for me to keep these acts consistent but I will try to improve, I will persist my best even if all my motivation ends as usual in the first setback.

Who am I lying when I write this... I'm trying to improve just to please God and destiny so that they give me any kind of return and for that same reason I don't deserve the return as much from God as what I cry out most is love her.

Besides, I had to explain to my father the situation of the drunk boy for two hours in the car, I'm close to finishing Dama das Camellias, I went to a boring family meeting of my stepmother and I think that was it...

At least tomorrow is a holiday, I better get some rest or something to eat, thank you reader.

Again, alone. There's nothing I can do, this is my fate, to be ignored while I cry just one simple thing, to see you again, it could be for the last time I don't care but let it be a goodbye properly done with dignity but no, I must be ignored and it hurts even more, because when I most want to sow the love that has been so protected inside of me, no one wants to accept it, I'm such an undesirable person, I'm someone who doesn't deserve anyone's love, probably yes is the answer, I was a bad person for most of my life and i'm paying the consequences for it, my only problem with fate is for giving me hope that i could live life like a dream with her only for then it all comes down like an avalanche downhill i'd be perfectly comfortable with my mediocrity if fate didn't give me hope, i've always been comfortable with my mediocrity but now i don't accept it so now i'm going through one of what is going to be one of the saddest phases of my life and i don't know how How to get out of it, for now I'll wander alone through the streets of this rotten city looking for something that I don't even know what it is but I will roam.

Thank you reader.

May you, dear readers, have a great week, not an indifferent one like mine... another week passes and I have no good news other than that I will take my first entrance exam tomorrow and with that we begin the season of university entrance exams and that's all it makes me sad and anxious that my youth will officially end this rite of initiation into the academic world of universities and consequently the need to get a job will come knocking on my door how soon, but before that my personal life has been crap to be honest , I fought with my father and I have been a very ungrateful person with him and my mother, I would not like to be one but I don't know, it has some force that makes me angry in an unimaginable way, it makes me rude and unsympathetic, it can be that this is all just a manifestation of my situation at the moment since 4 months ago when I was with her in the greatest hope I didn't treat people that way but this is just speculation psychological action of mine..

An old friend came to tell me that M*** wanted to talk to me again but couldn't for a while because her cell phone had apparently broken, my only problem is that I'm not prepared to talk to her at all, an absolute 0 so much so that sometimes i think i really should never talk to her again because it would just be a psychological weight on the back of a strong and independent girl like her, if we talk again she would have to deal with my neediness attacks every single day and i would talk to her about it how I missed her and other romantic bullshit of mine even though she didn't want anything to do with me, I miss the time when we just laughed carefree telling crazy stories about anything that came into my head and I know this me is hiding somewhere in my conscious however I can't rescue him from the sea of the mud my egos are in, I'll probably talk to M*** at the end of the week the same way, I'm still hopeful.

I'm weak, pathetic, irrelevant and know that I'm not self-deprecating this is just stating facts and it's not like I'm very sad for being that because I got used to being that my whole life and today for example I skipped two classes and no one from my classroom noticed my absence, not even the people I talk to, that's what I've become.

This week was good in a way, apart from the fact that I argued with my father and it was very unpleasant, overall it was reasonable.

In one of my class breaks I was in an empty room drawing on the blackboard, drinking and reading a little when I hear nearby voices coming from outside the room, I thinking it was a cleaning lady I hid to avoid being caught, I went to see and they were students, I didn't recognize them but they were recording some kind of video wishing someone a happy birthday and putting on the song Careless Whisper for some reason, it was pretty funny and random at the same time until they walked into the room where I was, as it was dark and it was in the background from the room they couldn't see me, I stayed still waiting for them to leave at the end of the break for them to return to the room, the bell rang and they didn't leave, I gave up and left the back of an empty room like an alligator coming out to breathe, when I I got up they noticed something was wrong and started to laugh, I started to say that everything was fine and that yes, I was there all the time and that I listened to the video, they laughed too and we talked a lot and we skipped two classes, me and the three of them, there were two girls and a boy from the other room, it was really fun but when we left the room they went to the bathroom and had to come across the director who knew they were skipping class and got me out of trouble, I apologized for not having fucked me up like I should with them and said it was nice to meet them, and the other day they greeted me again when I was leaving which usually doesn't happen when I meet people, it may be that they are new friendships but for that to happen I I have to have the courage to take steps forward, anything can happen, from one of the thousands of missed opportunities or the beginning of a good story, we will see.

Also like I said in the last post that I was going to talk to M*** and I talked to her after months, I had to explain my situation and it was extremely depressing, I had almost nothing good to say and I hate it because I won't make anyone happy that way , I regret telling you how I truly feel, it was easier for me to just lie about everything or not even bring it up because it is very uncomfortable, she said that she would talk to me more due to my situation and I promised her that she would not talk about me anymore that way but in the same way i doubt i will meet her again, but she said things that made me very proud of her, she won a bronze medal in the national history olympics and won a scholarship in one of the best schools in the city which is very good and knowing that I participated in the growth of such a special person makes me happy.

Today I will take my first entrance exam in my life and I'm very nervous, I'll pay for information systems at a good university, I hope everything works out this time, thank you readers.

Yeah, I passed the entrance exam which is very good, I really thought it would be much more challenging than the test I had done and I think it's even boring in a way but I won't complain... it's great that I passed and that's the end of it, I'll do it the Information Systems course in the morning and probably by the end of the year I will get a part-time job somewhere to have some money to invest, with 2 years of university I hope to get my first job in the area I will study, I will also see if I go back to swimming and studying more programming.

Otherwise, life is normal, it's been raining a lot and I had to do 5 tests and two essays in a week, I didn't talk to M*** and maybe I won't talk for a while, because apparently some things happened in the last few months I don't know but she said she was going to tell me but I don't know anything life is predictably unpredictable but one great thing about me passing the entrance exam is that my mom and family are finally happy with me, it's been a while since my mom gave me a hug celebrating something about me, next week I will do my first resume with my therapist since she said she got her daughter employed in a few months and offered me to try getting me into a well-paid job, hope everything goes well.

In the last few days I've been trying to focus on planning and figuring out what I truly want in my life, it's hard at this age but what I've seen is a pattern of wanting a life focused on having inner peace above all else, and achieving it. would need a little isolation from urban-centric life, from my family and acquaintances, my plan consists of up to 10 years I accumulate around 500.000 reais to buy a house and a car in the countryside and work remotely in the programming area, live with few luxuries and few expenses. It would be a dream to have a person who loves me and accompanies me in this plan but I believe that this point will be the most unlikely to occur for various reasons, but the dream cannot die for now, now is not the time to give up my hopes.

Thank you readers, the image above is the house of my dreams.