My Diary

Hi diary, things haven't been going all that well but not all that bad, it's just that everything seems extremely boring and tedious even for my boring parameters, there aren't many things I've done in the last few weeks, I sent the documents to my future college and did my survival needs every day, i really wish i had the courage to talk to the girl i met a couple of weeks ago in the curious story of the empty classroom but for me it's something very difficult to make that kind of progress and especially that she walks in groups and that fucks me up a little, she always greets me and other days she came to pick me up to talk to me and she seems to be a lovely person to talk to and I would also like to make at least one friendship at the end of the school year, it would be very good but if it doesn't happen it's ok... I talked to a toothless old man who approached me at school and told me about how he had a pirate radio with his friends and that made me very happy, he was very nice and it was all of a sudden lol.

I talked to M*** too, actually she was the one who talked to me and told me some things that she wanted to vent to me and told me that she was very afraid at the time we talked about wanting to be with me because she idealized the feat of the her first kiss and that after she kissed someone (she said that sometimes it was abuse), she blames herself for not having happened between us because it would be a good memory for her and besides, she said that it was for me to stop saying that I I didn't do her any good and that she was grateful for me being in her life even with our separation. I'm tired. It can't be that way anymore, I don't want to have the burden of talking to a person I love and who I probably won't meet for a long time. Yes, she was amazing. Yes, I have beautiful memories with her, but I can't, I don't want to torture myself with a hypothetical future because if she says every time that we're going to meet in the future, it's because we're not going to meet again. We liked each other a lot, you have no idea how much I hate myself for not having spoken concretely at that time what I felt because most likely we would be together until today with immeasurable joy, but now that this time is over I want everything end up with this friendship that was once good but now it's just a promise that continues every holy time we talk. I won't make her laugh like I used to because I've become corny and boring, I won't attract her anymore because she's become much more attractive than me, I won't make her happy anymore because we are different people united by a fate that didn't plan for this to happen , she will have her friends, her passions but about me everything will stay the way it is and that is irreversible. You may be thinking that I'm a horrible person and I agree with you, any sane person would wait for the future to arrive to see what happens but the point is that I'm a lonely person, who will be alone and who can't stand being alone, so I don't want to to promise me that in the future I will not be alone because RIGHT NOW I AM AND I CAN'T STAND IT, if you don't want it, change it now and not in six years when my dislike gets to the point where I want to talk to anyone and I KNOW that what I do is wrong, selfish and spoiled but I'm sorry a thousand times I can't not be myself.

Do you really think I said all that was quoted to her, I answer you no because I'm too weak a person to simply abandon anyone since I have no one, so we continue on this false road of waiting for this future to arrive.... At least my team will play a final and we can win if we win both matches, I hope this makes me happy and distracts me for a while

These last few days were crap, I got stuck in a room while I was skipping classes, and something new came into my life for me to look forward to, M*** invited me to a Halloween party with a bunch of people I don't know and will an hour away from my house and you know under normal conditions I would never go, the last time I went to a party like this I think it was 5/6 years ago and it was one of the worst experiences of my life, I felt totally isolated looking like a maniac at a pretty girl, pacing and playing with the hostess's pet tortoise instead of having fun like an acceptable person.

However, as I'm a M*** pinscher practically I will most likely go, first that I want to find her somehow, second that I have nothing to lose, if I feel ashamed I'm used to it and I can if I have very lucky to make friends but I really doubt that, I created this expression that I'm the M*** pinscher, the pinscher is a small, harmless and angry dog, if you don't pay attention he will bark and growl like a devil like me I do it when she doesn't pay attention to me under these conditions I cry out as if it were an injustice either in the diary or with my therapist that "if she wants to continue this friendship, come talk to me instead of promising me something in the future" but when the little dog understands that there is no one besides his owner to give the attention he craves, he stays meek and peaceful like a dove of peace and is basically a summary of my relationship with her, a powerless, envious and unloved pinscher.

My mother separated from my stepfather out of sheer paranoia coming from her, she told me that it seemed like I was jealous of him since I never cared about their relationship so much that I mentioned it once or twice here in the diary, so I denied in every way possible that this thought of hers was based on reality, she told me that I was spending less time with her on weekends but it wasn't because I didn't want to be with them on the weekend, but because they just did things I don't like like going to fairs of crafts, lunch in alternative places 1 hour from home and others but now she's gone because of this madness in her head and I'm going to have to deal with the new reality of having to receive her full attention, that is, my bag will be very busy in the next few months, at least I went to college which lessens the impact a little, I'm afraid bad months are in sight.

I also got two in physics but honestly I already gave up studying for some exam, I already passed the entrance exam and I'm guaranteed to pass all the other subjects, I'm tired of the school environment and having to go there over and over again to learn a lot of unknowns that pretend to have some relation to reality.

But let's get to the good news that next Wednesday my team can be champion after 4 years without any title and it can also be against the team that most of my family support, which would bring great satisfaction and I'm confident in this group and I believe that we have real chances of victory, Vai Corinthians!

Yeah... this fucking team lost another title again, another year to account for the lack of titles that will now be 5 years without winning any championship and it's outrageous what happened in these finals, first that they didn't give a penalty of course in the first game and in the second we had full conditions to win, but obviously the sons of bitches don't know how to take a fucking penalty and in the disputes we lost and look in my honest opinion it was better to have lost already in both halves but no this fucking team likes to give me hope to break it in the end and we draw the game in the end, all to be ruined in penalty shootouts but i'll stop complaining, i better stop watching football once and for all, that it does damage to a person's psyche, after the game I couldn't sleep well and I'm hoarse until now, besides that during the whole game I was shaking with anger at a level I've never seen but even if it does me damage I can't leave this team even football as a whole because i love this team since i was little and i need to know about football to talk and have things with people to talk about.

Besides, I was terrible in the mock tests at my school but honestly I didn't even try to do it because when I arrived to take the test I was extremely tired and I couldn't open my eyes properly and I gave up getting good grades because I already passed everything except physics and that I recover in the final exam they give me, the only exams that really matter are the national and state exams that will take place at the end of the year but I really doubt that I will pass USP, I'm too careless to study and I've passed at another good university that makes me more comfortable not caring so much about not passing.

Also, I will redesign this site and change its style in addition to making it more responsive so that you can see it well on mobile, I will make two more sites in private to test myself in HTML and CSS to start studying bootstrap and SaSS and then focus on entirely in JS and frameworks.

Thank you readers.

My readers friends would also like to say that at last this period called school will end, there is one week left for all this to end! I'm thrilled that having to wake up at 5 am to ride a bike for half an hour in the cold, take countless tests day and afternoon, recovery, teachers and boring and cliché environments, this will all say goodbye to my life in a week officially , I mean it will be optional to go to classes and I will still have to go not to fail because of absences, but let's celebrate, I'm in a superior peace of mind, school brought me almost nothing new and the things I learned that I liked were on the internet , a period I didn't take advantage of, the machine for studying random subjects will end, goodbye to complex numbers! bye to metamorphic rocks! goodbye to the ideal gas law, thermodynamics and all of this physics shit! GOODBYE SCHOOL!

Oh boy, now let's go to the emotional part and this part will be a tough one,this week I don't really know what I feel and everything seems to mix, once again these days I was sharing the personal texts I write on my WhatsApp and that day M*** sends me 4 messages and then deletes them, I was drunk at the time and tried to play me funny and sent 3 "hi" and deleted just to make her curious but in the end I asked her the basics of if she was okay and if she had news.

She told me that she had gone to the gym with her teacher, that she was going to start learning Spanish and taking writing classes, she didn't know how to respond as I was drunk and there was nothing rational going through my head at the moment so she said that was reading my text about my childhood and my past, i told her i didn't need to and that she knew me better than i did, so she said that if i wanted to vent, i could do it with her.

After that she vented to me. M*** never had a good relationship with self esteem and acceptance of her own body, she feels terribly bad about having an undesirable body and she basically told me she was going back to eating a lot and feeling bad about herself again and especially with a good part of her body, which would be a setback for her after the months at the gym in which she was improving*. Then he told me that he knew it was silly and a teenager's problem.

I quickly replied that IT IS NOT FOOLISH and THAT IT IS NOT JUST A TEENAGE PROBLEM, if she feels it, it bothers her, this is important, a real concern that should not be taken lightly. She disagreed with me and "calmed down" telling me that she wrote well and that if I had been writing for a long time, she said that I have kept a diary since the beginning of the year and that this encouraged me to write and that I had even written a text about her in particular. and that if she wanted to read it, she could send it to her because in contrast to the story of my childhood that she already knows, there could be things I wrote about her that she didn't know or didn't think she felt that way....

This piqued her curiosity and I felt compelled to send it to her, my head was quite hesitant about sending it to her because I wrote it in a lot of detail and could come across as a weirdo and I warned her about this issue.

As she read the long text, I put my thoughts in order and sent a valid response to her outburst, I said that her problems are important because they make a difference in her life, that I could tell her to accept herself that there would be people who want her the way she is and that I am included, but in contrast I know that she wants to change her self-image and that she was making an effort and admired this effort so I concluded that if she needed my help in every way and that if If she felt unmotivated to improve even though I really wanted to, I would be there willing to do anything and that, no matter the circumstances, I would try, in my own way, to help her motivate herself.

After that, she finished reading the text I made for her and.... she kind of didn't respond very well because she was speechless, she said several times that she was crying a lot and that she didn't know many things I felt in the text besides of having loved the text, I tried to lighten the mood but she could only say that she couldn't stop crying and that she missed me, I told the truth that I feel the same way and joked that I would send her a virtual handkerchief, so she told me told me that she loved me and that I wouldn't escape the holidays if I didn't go to the party she invited me to, I replied that I would go to the party anyway because I really wanted to see her and that I would see if I could fit in with her friends. I asked her out but she said that her dad is really sick and she would take care of him and she said we could go out for the next few months just the two of us if she didn't want to go to the party because of the distance so we only stayed for half more hour playing and talking about what costume we would go to the party, what we would do there and how we would go since the house where it will be is far from our homes.

It was getting late and my insomnia would attack in the morning while I was taking the test so I said I would need to sleep, we said goodbye, I said that she can always open up and that I will always be there if she wants to laugh, vent or anything else for me, she tells me said again that he loved me and that he is looking forward to the party, I answered someone with an "I love you" after so long and I really love her, I 100% love this girl with body and soul, it's inexplicable how perfect she really is with its flaws that make it even more perfect, I know that someday maybe you'll see this diary and these texts fossilized with time, it's probably that you already know that but I love you M***.

Sincerely, thank you readers.

Hey friends, tomorrow we will have elections in the country and we are definitely fucked anyway (I could make a huge speech about the structural problem that has existed since the colonial period in Brazil but I'm lazy) in the next 4 years that promise in my opinion to be difficult for the the vast majority of the Brazilian and world population but let's leave this pessimism aside and let's talk about what really matters: my life lol.

This month of November has everything to be good for me but that will depend on myself, in the next few weeks I will have two parties to go to because of Halloween, one I go with some friends and the other I go with M*** and for someone who doesn't speak with almost no one and someone who leaves the house a few times is already a great advance, working or not I'm happy that at least I will try.

In 2 weeks I will take the ENEM (National High School Exam) already secured in at least one good university, which makes me more relaxed to take the test, but about the end of classes, I'm still going to them because my mom wants me to be productive and all of that.

I'm also just finishing on reading The City and the Stars by Arthur C.Clarke and it's being very good, do not wait to know what will happen in the end.

This coming month will also start the World Cup and I will go back to watching football after the antics of the final against Flamengo, I am confident that at least cheering for the Brazilian team will be able to unite our people who are increasingly divided, anyway Towards Hexa!

I'm also feeling a little tired but it's just the same casual stuff as always, loneliness, uselessness and all of that but it's okay...smiling and waiting

Thank you readers.