My Diary

Good morning, good afternoon or good night, together for another day in this life... the last few days have been monotonous but that's how life works, right, I bring the good news that I spent the year without final recovery, but what good is that without nods, without the happiness of passing the year, it's just a result in a role that alone is worth nothing.

Changing the subject is that it was Halloween this weekend and I went with my brothers and yesterday with my cousin to get sweets from the houses, it was really fun and they liked it a lot, it makes me very happy that my brothers are very close to me, especially the smallest I have always been very attached to them, I want to be the best brother possible for them even with all the difficulties involved and that I would have to dedicate a time that I may not be able to resign.

I didn't have good conversations, on the contrary, only bad ones, I hate making other people I know listen to my problems and complaints, I always blame myself and feel extremely bad afterwards.

At least tomorrow will be a holiday and I'll rest a little more, I'm doing a little renovation on the site to make it responsive and it's making me a little proud of all the work I've done, for sure I will do more and even better with time.

Thank you readers

I'm addicted to this song from a band that recorded one hell of a disc and disappeared out of sight, the clip is recorded in São Paulo, one of the most unequal, inhumane and ugly ass cities in the world(which currently I unfortunately live in) and it combines with the topic of the song. In my opinion this song has one of the most well-written lyrics ever in Brazil, it depicts perfectly how the urban life is for the majority of people in the country telling the lifestory of a average middle class man:

His childhood and teenage years full of problems like bullying and the high estimation of the future as well as the thinking of ending it all poking at the subservience/ineptitude of brazilian people:

I've always thought it would happen,
From my childhood I believed in adults
That you just needed to take your chances and things would happen.
Ugly, kind of suspicious,
knock knees, already paunchy
doubting I would be able to grow,
even so, however,
time passed
and I kept putting off, mute,
the great days that I would get to know.
Maybe tomorrow? Next year?
Cebolinha(1) with his infallible plans
would teach me to be
strong, brave, good at soccer,
one of the handsome boys at school
although I didn't care that much.


Glad I'm Brazilian,
so stubborn, hopeful,
proud to be five times World Cup champion,
since if I were American
I'd pick up a pistol
and lose my mind:
I'd kill fifteen at school,
blow my head off
and appear on television.

The conformity, confusion and failure of old expectations on the adulthood:

And finally I grew up, from insult to insult
I saw myself as an adult,
cultured, ready for what really? I don't even know anymore.
I look and cannot find,
I wonder if I wasn't a fool
to believe in the fraud
that I heard.
There is no car waiting for me,
there is no table reserved,
just a bad joke about the Portuguese(2).
There is no wine, champagne or flute,
only a tad of cachaça(3)
and meager change every month end.

But never mind, so much bitterness,
I already know that life is hard,
now it's just a matter of getting used to it.
All you need is courage and manners
and tact
learned day by day, from bar to bar.
Why complain if there is brandy,
if there is a soccer star on TV,
and my great team(Timão)always plays to win?
Why mimic Chico Buarque(4),
why desire to be a martyr
if letting go is part of the moment?

Relationship problems and wanting to try something different:

Finally there's even a girlfriend
cute, polite,
serious, everything Mom is always asking for.
There are kisses and also screws
and a heavy conscience
with every new desire that arises
for another woman, for freedom, for true love,
for being able to close your eyes and smile,
thinking that now, from then on,
whatever your age
the best is yet to come!

But in the end the narrator concludes that with all of the problems it is worth to be alive because of the pathway he passed through and continues thinking that the best is yet to come

All I've ever dreamed of
This much I managed to achieve
It's so good to be here
So much is yet to come
All I've ever dreamed of
This much I managed to achieve
It's so good to be here
I know.

And all of that with a lot of extremely national references about the reality of urban Brazil like:

-Cebolinha(Famous cartoon character that was really self confident and known as coolest of all by kids)

-Joke about the portuguese(just refering as a really corny joke)

-Timão(Nickname of Corinthians, 2nd most cheered club, it is known for having middle and lower class fans also my team)

-Chico Buarque(famous singer that was persecuted during the brutal military dictatorship for criticizing the government)

-Cachaça(famous distilled drink and good as hell)

15:01

So far the day has been pretty normal, I made a leek risotto for lunch and my mom got me involved with some things. Now I find myself on a bus on the way to a party that honestly I don't know what is going to happen to be quite honest, I'm on vacation which makes me very happy but the expectation of meeting totally new people is making me extremely nervous, it all seems to depend today but even without such great expectations we will be here, together, if it is a disaster, move on because we have a lot of work to focus on myself and everything that involves, I will feel bad yes but I'm used to it, if everything goes well it will be very good and I will never forget. May God or chance be on my side this time and again thank you readers, I'll be back with news

16:24

I arrived at my destination, giant butterflies in my stomach, I need to walk another 5 minutes to finally get there, whatever God wants, M*** doesn't fucking answer me I'm fucked on all existential levels, I'm on my own, someone help me please, please that I came all the way here.

16:41

I'm a fighter, I won't give up after coming this far fuck it.
I'm fucked up again, I don't know who organized the party and I only know the name of M**** F*******, who was invited and not the one who lives in the place itself, I need to know the name of the person to enter the building. Damn it. Life is a beauty. Now I'm cowardly waiting for her to answer me sitting on a bench in any square, I thought it would be easier, wrong me, totally wrong.

17:02

The only thing I feel is that if a truck ran over me brutally I would feel more pleasure than I am right now, I'm pathetic, my battery is running low and I don't know how to get out of here, I'd just like to die in/painfully oh my god , if she doesn't answer me in 25 minutes I'll leave.

After all:

I managed to get in after she answered me at 17:20, it was very difficult and I didn't know how to communicate well, before I went to a nearby church to pray that she would answer me because my battery was running low and I didn't know how to get back without my cell phone because it was an hour away from my house, I ended up remembering Isabelle and cried a little, and thanks to divine strength she answered me and authorized me to enter, and well. .. it was as I expected, I can't talk to people I don't know and I depended on poor M**** F******* for everything, but besides that it was really good to see her again, I missed her so much, I was eating candies and drinking sodas all the time. party, dance a little and I sang a little and the main thing that happened was that she asked us to catch up and we went to the bathroom and it was very good, it must have been about 30 minutes there, I won't go into too much detail but she was dressed as a queen of hearts, a mini plaid blouse, lipstick divided into two colors, a black skirt and a boot, what I can say is that I personally thought it was good, I can't say the same about what she thought but I think it wasn't so nice for her and I didn't dare ask, yes she moaned well and sweated a little but nothing too much apart from me being clumsy I didn't try too much because she already told me she had been abused so I wouldn't go much further, I remembered a lot about my first time with Isabelle but with Isabelle it was perfect, with M*** it was great. Now tomorrow I have to go to the national exam and the 6-hour test that will define my future will be heavy, at least I won this unforgettable moment today, at least not to be so nervousToday I feel very I'm fine readers, thanks for everything

Hi readers, well...a week has passed since I hooked up with M*** and things are as before, she told me she enjoyed our date and I cautiously contented myself with that, we didn't speak for a while which made me worries a little but now changing the subject, tomorrow will be a nightmare because of the graduation ceremony, as I've said several times I'm almost entirely alone at that school, I don't know anyone there and I'll have to pretend I do for at least a few 10 family members who attended, I bet it will be a lot of fun lol.

I've also been looking for a part-time job so I can do something other than get fat eating peanuts and drinking alcohol on a couch while watching World Cup games, and I'll probably have my first job interview, it's a big company that opened a branch near my house , hope for the best.

I took the national exam and I did well on the first day and terrible on the second... more than likely I won't pass what I wanted to at the biggest public university in the country, I'm satisfied with the fact that I've already passed another good one but I feel a little afraid of not having managed to go beyond...I would also like to comment and give my song recommendation today which is the song O Paulista - Codinome Winchester, a banger

This site is 95% made for me and I will go on to develop others, obviously I will update the diary and the reading page over time and maybe give it a makeover in the long term but in the short and medium term, Fi-do-manin is finished, and I feel very proud of all the 6 months it took to make something almost entirely authorial and made by a beginner. I love you.

A few days went by, I went to the graduation ceremony and managed to do my tricks to prevent my family from seeing me in bad eyes, there were emotional moments like the concert that some students put on, some ridiculous ones like the only photo of me they show I don't appear in time a Christmas tree appears and my name, but what ends is that I believe that the vast majority of that group will become good and respectable people with a bright future, I would have a huge love if I had made lasting friendships there but just following the daily life of these people I assure you that they will not turn out to be bad people and I was even thrilled to have been a small part of that group.Also there were world cup games these days and I'm really rooting for Brazil to give me my only footballing joy as Corinthians only disappoints me, our top-class coach just literally betrayed us after saying he couldn't renew with the club because his mother-in-law was sick and had to go to Portugal to solve it, so he uses this excuse involving his family to go to another club, it's sad, besides Corinthians hired a guy trained in computing with no experience to be a coach, it will be another complicated year to cheer for this team but let's hope.

Oh, will it be again? another dark time, everything seems so boring, yes, I go out with this girl, but nothing interests me in her but her body, she does, but is that what I really want, sometimes I like to be with her but there are few times, bad jokes that somehow amuse her, dark rooms, holding her by the waist, just wanting to kiss me, nothing romantic and the obsession with making tiktoks and gossiping about others, everything superficial, where's the adrenaline of riding a bike seven kilometers over slopes and under torrential rain to see my love, enjoy every second of our conversations, where is the adrenaline of taking two buses to go to a party where I don't know anyone and trying to get by painfully but in the end I get what I want, love , I think it became so easy to conquer my pleasure that a huge emptiness is created in which I just ask myself "Is it really so easy to do this?", when you finally reach the highest level of the mountain you only think about going down that mountain, I don't even know why mine the complaint, there must be something wrong in my head.

I'm at my father's house now, he's a great person but I almost never see him happy, always angry or with the same neutral work face on Monday, always wanted to talk to him about what he truly feels, always focused on his work, talks about the factory, chats about football and I'm always the one who needs to start the conversation, he's always fighting with my younger brothers (very often rightly so) and at the end of the day he stretches out on the sofa and sleeps without his wife while tries to watch a movie but fails and ends up falling asleep in its first half, I know that's a rude thing to say but I wouldn't want to meet the same fate as my father if what I'm describing is a constant in time that I'm not in his house, there is also a huge problem with my temper, as I am grumpy about everything recently I start to get rude to other people including to a lesser extent my younger brothers who I should treat as best I can and I blame myself a lot for that.

I went back to talking a little more often with my colleagues in the building and I regret it a little, I had to receive bad news, while one of these friends talked about that boy who drank too much and got him in trouble while I had to take care of him, he told about what this boy had spread false information about him to everyone and added that he tried to take his own life just because he was fussy, I disagreed saying that it's not how this sort of feelings work but then he answered me by telling that the boy spread that I had influenced him to take his own life, I completely froze when he quoted this information because I had never done that for all my memory that I could remember at the time, then I cut him off brusquely asking what which I could have done since I was pretty sure at least I had never directly implied that at least and I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE JUDGING ME YES I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON I'M SORRY, what really happened is that I in one of my pessimistic days a year ago I had said to this boy something along the lines of "life doesn't make much sense" and "we're pretty much alike because we've had few people who are true mind they care about us" and other lines like this but I didn't know at the time that that boy had serious psychological problems, I was naive, I thought he would deal normally with these lines, I was extremely wrong, this colleague revealed to me that after this conversation was over he went home to self-harm i felt awful for days its not possible man why do these things happen to me why cant i do things right thats why i cant be around people only things happen horrible I seem to be a giant bad luck talisman that touches everyone I relate to, why why, why, why, why can't I have the only two things I want: a lonely love and the admiration of the people I care about, I think it's unfortunately very difficult to give me that.

I wanted to dedicate a hug to the Submarine and Saint-Images sites, thank you very much for sending me good luck in the interview and congratulating me, you don't know how much you encourage me, knowing that people I didn't even met in real life treat me so well, and I'm equally sorry for dedicating you in this specific depressing entry.