Hi, this is my first entry to my diary, I hope you feel comfortable, where I will tell you what happened in my life, this past 30 days were quite shaky and really intense comparing to the extremely monotonous year that I'm having, first I went travelling for the first time to my mother's family hometown in Minas, it was really great and I enjoyed it so much, the place was truly beautiful, I bathed in the creek, I managed to be in touch with nature that I can't have here in the metropolis, I did some trails, got to know a part of my family I previously didn't meet before(really nice and humble people) and came back with some stories from there, my litle cousin(devil possessed child) tried to throw a lime at me then he missed and hit the horse I was riding, the horse was extremely angry, he started to neigh and left in a flash, the horse was without a saddle or halter and it was very difficult to stay on him, my luck was that 150 meters away there was a wire that made him stop and everything, at least I learned to ride a horse lol.
Also, this past 30 days I texted to M*** a lot and it was great, it's always the best moment in my day, told me she loved me and missed me and my jokes, but I miss meeting and talking in person so dearly much, and all those great moments, and how she brought me to life I remember her cuddles and mainly her smile, and how much I wanted to make her smile as much as posible because I knew that a single smile or laugh of her would make the happiness of a entire month, since her parents divorced 7 months ago my brain just think of her every single minute... I hope God or Destiny or whatever exists and take care of me, I would be the happiest man if you gave me the chance of getting to meet her again.
At school nothing has changed so much, it's the same old thing that I'm too socially awkward to meet new people, group conversations are a nightmare to me but I know I can and will try changing it, I can't pass the last year of highschool this way, the only thing I promise is that I will try my best at it.
You thought that this project was over, not yet, it will probably be around two months or so, but I have something important to tell about the past four days, first of all, I** called me in Whatsapp after a really long time, she was the first romantic interest of mine back in 2019, a lovely, lonely and interesting girl I met in a trip to Bahia and had a great time with her there, after getting back of the trip, she lived 200km from my city but we kept talking to each other online until we had a couple of arguments over her being a little immature, so we stopped talking in the end of the same year but in January while I was at a family reunion I** told me she would kill herself then she blocked me on IG and WhatsApp, I felt perplexed and tried in every single way talking to her mother, family members and her, but in the end of it her attempt failed, around that time I had the most caring and loving help of M*** to move on and not blame myself over that situation if weren't for her at that time I don't know how bad I would be nowadays.
So with the given context, she called me on WhatsApp this wednesday to talk a little, after the small talk of "hi, how are you, long time without talking to you", I was tired of closing off my feelings to other people and of others closing their feelings to me, so I decided to ask something that distresses me just thinking about it, which was that if ever I had hurt her in some way without me knowing, this is my biggest fear in life, and I demanded speed and sincerity in the answer, I didn't want super worked and thought-out answers as if it were a company giving a repudiation note.
So she answered me according to my demands, said that I had never hurt her in any way, and that she always thought I was an amazing person, and I said that she could ask me anything and I would be willing to answer her, she asked me if i ever regretted meeting her, i said no, but that she worried me a lot at the time she tried to commit suicide, she then said that she was stupid and weak when she tried to do that and that she had blocked me so I don't get hurt or worry about the outcome.
I said that she was not stupid or weak, I said that she was one of the bravest people I knew for resisting the temptation to leave this existence and that many people would not have put up with what she suffered even if she didn't think it was true and that her being alive so far enhances her even more and builds character, she proceeded to tell me that she had always felt a greater connection with me (she is Wiccan and very spiritual), and that I was the only one who managed to understand her, I said that I will most likely never be able to fully understand her and that the possibility of fully understanding a person is the final form of love that is to be something bigger than herself, that same love in which I am a beginner, right after she said I didn't need it understand her fully because just by talking to her, she felt good and that even far away and without talking to me for a while she loved me the same way and never forgot me.
I promised her to be totally transparent about me, and told her about the time we haven't spoken that I've met M*** and loved her since she helped me with the situation she was going through and that I had started using alcohol too much as a way of escape, and she said that she had also met a boy that she dated and that was one of the things she regrets the most and that she didn't believe in love, I replied saying that she couldn't give up so early and that the important thing was to try to believe anyway, holding on to the thinnest branch because giving up wouldn't solve much and said that she was the person who really wanted the best to happen because she had suffered too much and that she would meet with there was a time someone much better who would understand her better than me, and that's when she told me THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING anyone has said about me, she said " if I could choose someone to spend my whole life it would be you and even if you don't choose me there I would choose you the same way", those words totally broke me, I couldn't process well and everything started to get better around me suddenly, it was a shock.
I******* will come to my city on the 26th which will be on a Thursday and will spend a night at the bus station and she told me to go visit her, the big problem is that I have classes during the week and that the bus station it's about 10 kilometers far from my house and the night is dangerous in my city, but with all these obstacles I'll try to see it.
I also talked to M*** who helped me with I** and she told me I was an extraordinary person, that I handled her perfectly and that she was proud of me, but there you have it. the point, my dream was to have a conversation with M*** as intimate as it was with I** but the problem is that I have very different relationships with both of them, I want the best in the the world happens to I**, but I want the M*** for myself forever and it prevents me from having this conversation with her, I'm too scared to end up pushing her away from me with this conversation because she doesn't seem to feel I feel comfortable talking about trauma and the things that happened to her and I always wanted to talk about how I love and want her, I hope I gather the courage to talk about it with her.
I feel like a son of a bitch doing all of that, I'm sorry
Also it was mother's day and I bought her beautiful azaleas, I think she liked them also I'm going to do a simulation of the national entrance exam tomorrow, I hope it works out for me, wish me the best, or not idk
Avoid my love
Refuse my arms
I will avoid your kisses
Guilty was fate
If we are two wounded
Well, you prepared the plot
And put a cupid
Come, come, you're crying
I will surely cry
Wounded is your heart
and I beg your pardon
of the times I was wrong
But this love I will avoid
19th of May
Well... this week was really bad, almost nothing happened, and when it happened it was bad, first than this Monday I went to my class as usual and crashed my bike on the way with a delivery man who was inattentive, I felt very guilty because his bike broke and these delivery guys are going through a lot of difficulties already, I apologized for what happened and tried to help him as much as possible.
So this Wednesday I woke up very early at 5 am to take a test which was at 7 am, I left the house at 6:30 am, when I left home I gave money to a beggar to buy breakfast, this Wednesday was scheduled to be the coldest day of the year, after giving the money I went as I go to my school which is 30 minutes by bike but in the middle of the way my bike belt got stuck and stopped working and I had to go the rest of the way that was 30 minutes away on foot, in the end I arrived 40 minutes late for the test with my hand shaking from the cold and especially with a lot of anger because if you arrive late for the test, they only give you the substitute test with a medical certificate, and I was already in high spirits I arrived at the board and desperately told the secretary my situation and that it wasn't my fault that everything happened and that if they didn't give me the substitute test I would study like hell to get 10 on the other test and tell them to screw themselves in their faces, but in the end al they did me the favor of letting me do the substitute test, I apologized for my exaltation to the secretary, the problem is that I had to walk back holding the bike all the way with the same cold because I had given the money that I could go back on the subway I had to someone who was having more difficulties.
This week was so bad that I didn't even talk to M***, in fact she must be happy to have met new and probably better people and not depend on me to talk to someone, as her happiness is mine I'm happy for her, I** called me on WhatsApp and told me about some problems she has been going through with some things, and told me that she but the big problem for me is that she told me that she is only able to move on in life because she would see the 26th, this makes me very desperate because I don't want her to put this dependence on me, it's something that is not healthy for my conscience or hers.
The only good things that happened was that Corinthians is in a great phase and that I finally finished the photo wall in my room, I hope that next week will be better than this one...
This last week was very common in general, I did the second simulation of the entrance exam at the main school that was on the busiest avenue in my city, I didn't go with high hopes or anything, I just went there and sat in a nearby chair until a group of people who were at the table in front of me pointed at me, i played dumb but in the end i went there and talked to the group, but mainly with a nice girl who was wearing fishnets, and in that she showed herself very funny and friendly with me, a pity that the conversation lasted only half an hour, but after the end of the test I met her again and we talked for a while, in the end I got her number even though I will probably never speak to her again but with I'm sure these moments were very good, I would love if we talked again.
I was average in this test, and as always, terrible in physics, which I'm studying for recovery, in addition to that, I** said that she will only get me on the 30th at the airport and I'm anxious, but I also feel guilty in a way because she already she told me several times that if it weren't for me she wouldn't be alive and that when she sees me she'll say the most beautiful things and hug and kiss me, but it all makes me feel like i'm using her and fomenting even more the dependency she has she has in me, which can be good for me for the caresses but it's bad for her because if something bad happens between us she can go back to having suicidal thoughts, I want her to be able to walk on her own legs so she can get better and find someone better than me and for her to love someone without having to be dependent, if that happened it would be my greatest happiness and hers too, but for now I won't abandon her in any way
I also started to study fortune telling because of Neocities through the website spells.neocities.org/ and I am loving learning about it, it is a very extraordinary topic and I have been training every day the interpretations and how to read the future, I personally recommend it a lot, Neocities too it's been a hobby of mine to explore websites around here, especially diaries because I really like to see the personality of each one behind each website and see how we are all human existing in their small and unique bubble of ourselves, and how they exist amazing and beautiful sites that demonstrate how each one is through such a unique way of expressing themselves, I would like to improve mine both responsively and in design but it is a gradual work.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, simply amazing, beautiful and wonderful, for the love of god.
Oh, how can I begin to tell you everything, I went to meet I******* last night at eight, it took forty minutes by bike to get to the airport under the torrential rain of São Paulo, and I had no cell phone or form communication, I lied to my mother saying that I was going to a friend's house to do a school project, and I almost didn't go because of the heavy rain that was falling, but in the end I went, I got there soaking wet but I had a change of clothes so it worked, when I arrived she was at Starbucks with her mother, I talked for a while about the trip they took from there right after she and I went for a walk through the airport to meet him since she came from a smaller city, after of the tour we sat on a bench and talked about our schools and our slightly different view of the world next to the bench there was a place that looked like a kitchen covered entirely by a black curtain, we went in there and had fun there for a while time until i gave the id Before we danced there, I started a waltz and we started after a while I saw her admiring eyes on mine it made me feel comfortable and I gave a peck that intensified for all kinds of kisses: lasting, fast, wild, affectionate, kisses on the forehead, on the mouth and especially on the neck that I smelled and fell in love with every moment every time I kissed her fragrant neck while she moaned and raved when I did it, it lasted an hour, we did it on the floor, pressed to the wall, she over me and vice versa.
Until she got physically tired, sweating like a sinner on the church, she saw the time and said we needed to find her mother because she must be looking for us, we talked to her mother again while we ate and had a soda we waited for about forty minutes until we found another excuse to go out again, only this time we went to the bathroom to make out again, but this time she opened up more and let me squeeze her boobs and her ass after an hour she left me with immeasurable, she did exactly what i like, say loving things in my ear, give me hickeys while squeezing and pulling her ass and kissing her, she took my clothes off and gave me a wonderful blowjob, my father in heaven how is this heaven on earth possible, I just didn't want it to end but we had to leave because there were people entering the bathroom in droves.
Her mother noticed the hickeys on my neck and gave her a light scolding and said we were supposed to stay with her more, so we all three went up to the third floor which was empty and as her mother was there, I talked to her about her feelings, what she was going through and what she really thought of me, i said about how i felt for her about how i want her to metamorphose her life into a free and joyful butterfly that loves others and herself instead of being a cocoon forever and how I was giving my life and soul for that to happen and why I don't want to date her seriously right now (this could foster a toxic emotional dependency) but she said that she had no dependence on me and anyone else because she has no one in her life in the same way i said i wanted her to take a chance on life with someone else with the change of thought i would provide her, but after she said the only one the chance she wanted was with me and even though i countered she said the only person she trusted, wanted more than anything and really didn't want to lose was me, i said i could eventually be with her forever and i would never go abandon her because she is very important to me and that I would die so that she would only be happy, after I said that she started to cry a lot on my shoulder as she spoke with great difficulty in her voice that she didn't want another disappointment and that she didn't want to lose me again, in the end tears fell from me too, we lay together for a while until we saw that her mother had slept and we went for a little walk.
Then she told me that she had seizure pills and asked me if I wanted to crush and huff them that she had done before and liked it a lot, I accepted and we huffed together eight rows and then we went to the bathroom again and this time I advanced her with a kiss from the outside into the cabin, took her clothes off and then and she told me she was on her period and it wouldn't be a good one, but she couldn't resist the emotion and we fucked for an hour, and I tell you something dear reader, the feeling of drowning in a pussy is the best of all, we did everything , I was very insistent for her to give me blowjobs, but it was amazing to lose my virginity to someone I love so much and she was good and knew what I liked, a problem I had at first was getting my dick right in her, but in the end everything worked out and it's a unique feeling, she came before me and was delirious mainly when i fingered her and when i accelerated the dick inside her, i came in her mouth during a blowjob but every moan of pleasure from her was a delight for me, i will miss the person immensely and of her body, but it was perfect, I will forever remember the looks and moans she gave when she was feeling the peak of pleasure, after they both came and I insisted on licking her pussy and on her giving a lot more blowjobs sometimes she left satisfied and so did I, the only problem was that she had come all over her panties and I had come in her bra, so we had to clean up and after a while we were hugged walking around the airport looking for her mother, we stayed half an hour looking until we found her, I gave her a bracelet, a playing card that was an ace of hearts and a letter that I had written for her and she gave me a wonderful ring that she had handmade that I will wear every day, later After saying goodbye to her and her mother, I rode a bike without sleep for 30 hours with the effect of having snorted seizure medicine and with my neck full of wonderful hickeys, for sure one of if not the best day of my life.
I'm more and more thinking that what she said about me being the right person for her may be true, and I won't abandon her or hurt her in any way, it's something I promise to God and to me that's it. , and I'd rather be wrong and believe something false if it's not true that I'm not the right person for her, I just don't care about moving to a smaller town or getting away from family and friends if it means I'll love her forever and she'll do the same,
she also said several times that she would kill herself if she had another disappointment in life and i don't want that to happen, i would kill myself to see her from heaven happy on earth, that's all i want to avoid, and that's why she is such a person complicated in a way that challenges me to everything possible and impossible for other people not to let her down until I'm with her in a better place. I don't know, there are so many thougths in my mind right now, I think I need some rest to clear them, so thank you all for reading, love you, I just want everything to be ok for her, protect her at all costs in the end, please God, just this.
