Fidomanin/my personal website/

My Diary

3rd of March

Hey, how are you, I just finished my first week of face-to-face classes and it went well, I think at least, it was kind of what I expected since all the classes were more about presenting what will be studied and from the teachers to the students, it will be complicated since I didn't pass the course I wanted, which was Software Engineering, which for the most part develops both the front-end, cloud, data and programming part for the most part since the beginning of the course, while the one I managed to pass it talks about hardware, frontend and the business vision of the thing (at least Java and Javascript the course has it) and since my college offers several extracurricular courses both on its platform and on others, I'm thinking of getting my hands dirty and going to the top studying madly to get ahead of myself and maybe try to transfer to Software Engineering in January, on the part of relations with other students it has been not what I wanted but normality, I will try to fit in little by little with one or another person, I have already spoken many times with this guy who is in his early 40s and is a barber and lives in a faraway city, yes, I am a guy with peculiar friendships and the guy seemed to be a very nice person, he already told me about his daughters who helped and encouraged him to accept the challenge of changing areas and I have been trying to help him teach him what I can because he is not so attuned to technologies and some mathematical concepts that he does not remember.

Another thing that has happened is that I have been taking the subway every day that I go to college, I have gone several times in my life when it rained and prevented me from going by bike, but the daily routine of waking up at 5:30 and taking the subway it's new and strange for me because it's the beginning of a new era and it's just bizarre to see the waves and currents of people in one place it seems that we weren't made to go through this but we ended up going there out of obligation, I also met an old friend from elementary school right on the subway, a nice Japanese boy that I had seen from afar, I looked at his Instagram to confirm if it was him and the glasses were the same, I went to ask if it was him and I came across with the surprise that it really was the boy, he was visibly moved to see me after such a long time, he said that when I left school in the ninth grade, many asked about me throughout high school, especially how I was these days, I never kept so much contact with people from my old school excluding out two closest friends who I thought would answer the questions about me but apparently they didn't because they were both constantly fighting with the rest of the class, I asked about how the people in our class were doing these days and he told me several cases, formation of couples, broken friendships, groups drifting apart and getting together and even though I wasn't such a big part of their lives being just another one who lived in the same room for a while I felt very happy to know about the couples and how time passed, no there was time to tell a lot about me besides my course, in the end I took a photo with him for him to send to the group from the old school, I felt good about the conversation anyways.

12th of March

Hey, how are you guys, I've been kind of normal, kind of apathetic, things don't seem to happen that often... yesterday Corinthians was eliminated by a smaller team on penalty shootouts, really bad stuff that I'm almost giving up my hope of this season as a whole, but besides that I'm deluded by everything, the routine has been hard, I'd really like to flame up my life again even if it's a totally insane blaze like it was usually in the past but there's a giant comfort zone that stops me from getting the best and worst things in life at the same time, I've been thinking constantly of returning to talk with M___ but I simply can not because I was such a coward that time, just because I feared getting rejected by her I suddenly stopped talking with her and I know that she's probably thinking I was an absolute asshole when I was just partially an asshole for a different reason that is probably in her head (that I thought that our hook up was bad imo, which is totally false), I hope I regain my courage and explain to her why it's false and I was just acted as the stupid coward as I've always been and that I like her and would like to meet her in the future at least once to give our history a proper ending at least talk and reflect about everything that happened in all those years, how I was wrong in most things and how I want the best for her, she's the best and one of the strongest girls I've ever had a pleasure to meet, I want to at least know that she's fine and will be in some way.

I'll be in a friend's birthday meeting this weekend, I pray that I can somehow quit being an antisocial fuck, I've been thinking this last days about a possible change of career path from front-end to devops, started learning some linux, next on the list is Python/Java and then AWS, I plan to take some serious and valuable courses for the job market if my mother can pay me at least some AWS Practitioner Certificate Exam and try to make ends meet in my college as things get serious step by step with more and more difficult content, at least the subject of extreme basics of front-end I know and will be safe for at least a semester, the rest I'll study harder.

I hope you guys are well, thanks for reading!

16/17th of March

Hi, how are you, another week has passed and everything is normal, as life usually is with ups and downs and I came to tell them here today.

I'll start with the good news, first that I fit in a bit for the first time in college and it was really good even if it was totally accidental, the old professor was taking roll call and when he got to the letter J he called me Jennifer, fucking Jennifer, he even got it wrong the gender because the only thing similar to my name and Jennifer's is having the letter J at the beginning, so I reacted in disbelief and said "Man, WTF, Jennifer, what Jennifer?" then everyone laughed and so I spent the whole class as the character Jennifer, someone dropped the pen, I picked it up and they said "thanks Jennifer!", it was funny and even better that I got a group to do the semestral work and to take group tests, it may be a fresh start but it may not be either.

I've also been reading Wasted Lives by Zygmunt Bauman, it's a complex and interesting book talking about people treated as society's rejects and the treatment they give them making lots of comparisons, it's been good so far

Another good news is that I have a birthday party tomorrow for a friend of mine and it might be and I hope I have a good time, another good news is that I finally got the courage to talk to M___ again because I can't take anymore the doubts, inconclusions and being left with the uncertainty of what everything has meant to her in the last 3/4 years, I don't want to say goodbye, I just want that in case I don't let's talk so much that at least I get these uncertainties out of my mind besides wishing her well.

The bad news is that my older brother got into a big fight with my mom and ran away from home, there are a lot of problems with that as he has no job and no place to go, even though he is 28 years old and is the right age to leave at his parents house he has no way of supporting himself without favors from friends, my mother was crying her eyes out as he called her "the perpetuator of every misfortune in his life" which completely shook her if you ask me why he called it that because, according to him, my mother interfered too much in his university affairs and would not let him stay with his friends on the university campus, making him come home every time, even though the university was 20km away by taking the bus, doing- the change of university and course consequently spending a good few more years instead of getting a job, I honestly believe that it was not justifiable for both sides but I know that they will not normally resolve their differences, anyways consoled my mother and told her he would come back eventually...

31st of March

Well... another two weeks have passed and things still seem to be going at a slow speed, I've been taking my time to exercise a little bit and study, something I've started practicing again is playing the keyboard, I missed reciting some music and I'm really enjoying it that little by little I can see the evolution like in this video.

Already in my college, I got a bit screwed when my alarm clock didn't go off and I missed a damn test, I'll have to study a lot more for that subject, in the others I'm doing excellent compared to my expectations and the other students.

Socially things are going that way, not as bad but not as good as it could be, what has been making me proud and bringing me joy is that several people have been laughing at comments and jokes that I make, I stopped being a nobody in the class to be its "clown" which is already a great step forward what worries me the most is that I usually ain't able to take the next step, people seem to like me enough to please them with my presence but not enough to be friends, it could be because I can't talk about myself and I don't have the courage to show myself as something other than a simple clown to be someone genuinely interesting and great to be with but that's all probably just really crazy conspiracies that occupies my little (and kinda paranoid) mind, I hope these all get better when we really start the work on the robot championship, it could be a great opportunity because I really want to really befriend people there, every time I talk to them is great and the people from my class seem and are really nice, we'll see what it happens on the next months ahead(also one thing I didn't say it was that I mentioned once that i had this website to a nice person in my class and she said that she would be interested in seeing it, I was fucking scared, I didn't want to make this website as my first impression, yes it is almost the copy and paste of myself on a virtual space but it's too honest and probably it would change the reader's view about me quickly, there's so much things I told here that I don't talk to anyone because I feel ashamed/uncomfortable that I think it's better in order to have great relations with people to gradually dose my personality, yeah I know that is fucking paranoia and just plain creepiness to a certain extent to plan these things but I think is the best way to deal with all of it)

I've also applied for some jobs in different areas but mainly as a telemarketing trilingual attendant and have been 0.1% successful, the company said that I should send them a 2 minute video showing my story in three languages and I hope I've done well, it would be great earning 2k reais/month, besides all of that my brother eventually came back to our home, I talked to M___ but it was totally wrong, she thought she was the one who stopped talking that I wanted to say goodbye to her and end it all even though I made it clear that I didn't want to but I didn't protest her claims and just said that I didn't want to and said that I wanted to see her soon, my friend's birthday party was great and fun overall I had nice talks.

Thanks for reading.