Fidomanin/my personal website/
My Diary
2nd of June
Oh my god I don't want to go without another minute without her, making I******* love herself is my only goal in life, I may sound crazy but I'll do anything to see her even if she lives 200 kilometers from SP, YES I will get a job just to have money to see her, I will save her and she will also do the same to me, I will enjoy the seductively admiring look on her face every day at dawn knowing someone will always be with me through my worst and best times supporting me, yes i'm hopelessly in love and if she tries to run away from me by killing herself i'll look for her either in heaven or hell to see her smile nothing, in the next few days I don't know what to expect from me, I don't know if I'm going to run away from this damn city I live in or if I'm going to cower, I just know that I've never been so motivated to do something in my life, and when she finally learns to love herself I'll cry in the sweetest and most loving way of pride this fallen angel that I found in my life, I just want this God only this, that at the end of everything she is happy, I don't care with who or who, I will only give my life for this girl to be finally at peace with life, with God and with your spirit, i hope i'm not paranoid but i love you i*******, and i won't abandon you even if you walk away i'll be here one way or another waiting for you and loving you from afar lonely in the world of thoughts and memories where everything is as beautiful and perfect as your beautiful face.
I'm sorry god if I'm wrong I just want a happy ending to this non-fairy tale, thanks for stopping to read.
Some music that relates to me at the moment: Cartola - Nós dois
4th of June
WHY GOD, WHY YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS, WHY YOU ARE SO COWARD AND DON'T COME DOWN HERE, CONFRONT ME, KILL ME, MAKE ME EVERYTHING AND NOTHING AT THE SAME TIME, JUST BE PRESENT HERE, LET ME LOOK AT YOU AND TALK TO YOU IF YOU IT REALLY CREATED AND IS SEEING US, THAT'S IT.
WHY YOU HAVE TO TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME WHEN I'M MOST MOTIVATED TO ACHIEVE THE BEST FOR ME AND HER BUT NO, YOU PLAY PUPPET WITH ME AND MAKE ME DANCE TO DEPRESSIVE BLUES WITH MY LIFE BEING THAT I DON'T WANT IT FOR ME.
It's all over, she said walking away because she didn't know what she felt, I really don't know what else to do, I dedicated my body, sweat and soul to try that everything and everything, I worked everyday to help you, I OPENED A SPECIAL PLACE TO YOU TO END ALL WITH A TWO LINES MESSAGE, QUIT PLAYING WITH ME PLEASE I cared about you, suffered from your suicidal tendencies, abused drugs and risked everything I had to stay with this angel that you are and were, but I can't, I can't stand it, I won't see your eyes that have a unique charm, I won't breathe your fragrant neck and your delicate but sweet mouth, you are the only one I open up to and the only one who aspires for more than just a little summer relationship I wanted to be one with you, trying to help you with your personal problems and your development as a person but I may be wrong in the end.
And as always after my despair I went to ask for the most helpful and caring help of all from a person that I really have everything to be thankful for, thank you M***, there are no words to describe how much I want you to be the only one who lends itself to helping me, you are unique I know you may never read this but know that you are never reading this, I want you to know that I want you since the time i knew you, for everything you were a person who always when i was feeling like crap took care of me be with a passionate hug in the bed or be saving myself from myself and the dependence I have on other people I don't know how you always help me, because I wouldn't make it because I'm this imperfect and especially stubborn guy, I love how you always want the best for me and I can't wait for us to meet again but I'll wait anxiously for you, thanks for making me never get drunk again, I don't want you M*** because wanting means so little to what you deserve
I also love how you support me in all the decisions I make even though you think many of them are wrong and you always tell me when they are wrong and why, even though you know my stubbornness and my mind closed to seven padlocks, you accept me and like me for the entirety of my self, whether it's when I just want to make you show your beautiful smile or when I'm sad and extremely needy for someone, you never refused to help me or laughed at my problems like many people have done, I want to redo the good times i've been with you, lying on my chest, breathing heavy and looking at me lovingly, but life isn't all love i wanna do what you told me i don't wanna live just for other people anymore i wanna live for myself and for someone else's laugh and not for tears and I always wanted those laughs to be yours that are the most pleasant to hear.
I promise you that I will keep our promise to stop drinking because I do everything you tell me to do, and also that even though you think I only helped you and you never did the same, I always wanted you to know that you saved me in two worst moments and phases of my life and that I will never stop being here for you whenever you need me. M***, I love you
Some music that relates to me at the moment: Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
14th of June
Well...I'm back after a while without posting, these days I've been trying to get my thoughts in order because I wasn't feeling so good and it kind of seems like everything is going back to the old and terrible monotony and that makes me feel very uncomfortable because after I have so much intensity and emotion everything going back to normal leaves me with a strange and empty feeling, unfortunately I turn to drinking to feel something.
But with this time I also managed to set some goals for myself that even if I am a professional procrastinator I will try anyway, first I really want to improve in HTML and CSS and also learn other languages and especially frameworks to maybe guarantee a better future, motivating myself more to study for the entrance exams would be of great help because at school I know I will get good grades in everything easily (except physics) but I don't put in that extra effort necessary for someone focused.
I started reading Anna Kariennina today also after finishing Steppenwolf and last weekend I went to my younger brothers' Festa Junina, a folkloric festival in Brazil where there are traditional dances and foods from the rural part of the country, I always danced and I celebrated every year when I was around 6-10 years old and it moved me so much to see how my brothers have grown so much and remembering the times of my sweet and innocent childhood, a time of so little worry and the incomparable happiness of smiling for so little .
I've also been talking to M*** and we've arranged to see each other in July, I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little anxious but also a little scared, she's also been helping me the way she can to forget about I******* but I just can't, she's fixed in my mind in an inexplicable way, I think every day about her and when she's going to talk to me again, but I can't, she's the only one for who I would die and dying by your side would be the most beautiful thing I can think of but as we know a moment of bliss is not worth a lifetime.
Thank you reader for not abandoning me ;)
Some music that relates to me at the moment: Que sejas bem feliz - Cartola
26th of June
Another week goes by and nothing relevant happens, it's been a horrible apathy without her and this intensifies even more with my mother's breakdowns that I can't help as she always has problems with my older brother and this time it was because he didn't want to graduate so as not to lose her job (she always wanted to see the graduation and paid him 10 years of university) after the first reaction to the news from my brother she got mad at him and left the table, he didn't even go to see the what had happened, after finishing lunch I went to my room and she passed by mine and called me a monster for not noticing her, I didn't quite understand her reaction at first sight and when she went to her room again saying that she wanted to kill herself and crying out to God to get her out of there, I accompanied her and gave her a little water to drink and told her to rest her head because she really wasn't well, I couldn't do anything else, I never knew about her conflicts and my brother and what she feels about breaking up with my ex stepdad and i will probably never fully know are things i have no answer for i would love to have a way to help her but she has never been so open with me either (maybe also because I am closed in the same way).
She has some health problems too, severe osteoporosis, some growing tumors and lack of vitamins are some of them, she is the person I am most grateful for for everything and I feel sorry in a way for the path that fate has drawn for her, she had children very early, divorced twice and separated twice with other ex-stepparents, lost the chance to leave the country for Germany to be a nuclear engineer to take care of her younger sister at the time, had three children of which only one has given more joys than sorrows, after the last breakup she's been saying that she can never be loved and i'm really afraid that she might be right even though i say that's a lie and that she shouldn't give up so soon, and i can never say she's a bad person , is one of the friendliest, manages to make new friends everywhere possible, a kind spirit and I know that many times she punished me but most of them she was totally right, some I think it was an exaggeration like the time she kicked me out She left the house and left me sleeping in the bathroom without clothes on, but I just want everything to work out for her, that's all.
The only good news was that the result of the simulation of the entrance exam for universities came out and I did well, I was in 757th position of approximately 12600 students and that in a week I will be on vacation finally, I don't like the school environment very much It's my own fault I'm a very unsociable person and it makes me extremely difficult to talk to everyone, but I still have hopes, I just talk to one guy about football and another about my paranoia from time to time, that school is a extension of a shit system that they implanted with useless knowledge in which I'm good at doing the damn tests and monotonous classes but at the same time I would like to know every person, every feeling, every trauma and every thought of everyone there, sometimes I I come across and imagine the stories of those who pass in the hallway, imagining the parents' reaction to seeing them born, the first time to ride a bicycle and other moments.
In a month I will also be 17 years old, and I'm not so anxious, I think I'm going to travel somewhere, but it's always good to have that post-birthday reflection on life, but that's how it is, I had talked a lot with
B*** but I've been talking less and less because I don't have anything good or anything that makes her happy and every conversation with her has been directed at my problems and the only thing I don't want is someone else suffering for mine problems, if I talk to her it's to make her happy and make her laugh again with the sincere smile that only she is capable of, I hope she's okay, I still miss I******* a lot and how she kept me alive like never before, but it's all over for now, but i think someday she'll miss me and ask for my return, or i'm deluded, but i'll find out in the near future...Thanks readers for being with me.
Some music that relates to me at the moment: Legião Urbana - Pais e filhos