My Diary

Yeah... Mediocre days again, nothing exciting, but I'll try to tell as much as possible, first I'm on vacation from my classes this July, and it's been a very strange feeling, I wake up and I've been doing almost nothing for the rest of the day, I make the food, clean the bathroom, play with my cockatiels, read, listen to music, go for a walk, masturbate a little and then go to sleep, then repeat the cycle, everything became a huge void, a zero and a nothing. I really wanted to do something useful, but I have no motivation because after everything that has happened everything seems bland and without charm, it would be nice if she came back and I imagine every day a notification on my phone from her saying that she loves me, I really am too deluded...

But I also went on a trip this weekend with my mother and stepfather who recently got back together, I'm happy and I'm really rooting for them (even if I don't put so much faith in them), it was normal, we didn't do many things and now I'm at my father's house and my grandma came, I love her, she was always my favorite relative, whenever I went to her house in a small town in the countryside of Rio she treated me in the best way, she cooked and still cooks wonderfully, always welcoming and with a simple and pure heart, she always gave me the tightest hugs and made family gatherings an art form.

I've never commented on my father on this site so I'll take the opportunity to talk about him. My father has a very beautiful life story, like my mother he also left a tiny village and grew a lot in life so much that he can give me much better conditions than he was before, and he married my mother around 27 years old and he had me at 30, however he separated from my mother at 33 for an alleged betrayal with his current wife with whom he had two other younger children, he has never seemed so happy since I've known him, not that he was not happy, but he seldom seemed to express great happiness, I always had a friendly relationship with him not in the sense of friendship but that it was cordial, nowadays he seems tired to me, it could be because of work, life in general or his children (I am a nobody, the 7-year-old son has ASD and for him it is very difficult to deal with in everyday life, there are always fights and the youngest son has a very weak immune system, almost always being sick), but I would very much like to talk to him more because There were rare occasions when we spoke seriously apart from the recurring question "What do you want to be".

M*** also told me that she would be able to meet me this month, and that I would be the first boy she could go out alone with, her parents were always strict and wouldn't let her go out very often, I remember the day we stayed late at the pool and her dad came in furious and yelled loudly "M**** F******* (her full name) what are you doing at this hour with that brat", but she tells me that her dad learned to like me so much that according to her, one day at lunch he "authorized" me to date her, but leaving that story aside, I'm very happy and anxious to be able to see her again this month but I'm afraid because always at these times i ruin everything whether it's my paranoia, my apathetic vibe or the unhappy jokes, i hope the best, that she has fun and have the best time for us to meet more often, stop taking life in a depressing way and just make her smile how she smiled and laughed in the times I saw her often and how she told me en when talking about my relationship with I******:"You have to be someone's reason for laughter, not a reason for life or tears", so I hope I'm that reason for you M***, but anything can happen in these next few weeks and I hope as always for the best

Thanks for sticking with me ;)
P.S. 10 days until my birthday, probably I'll go to some relatives' farm and it will be as calm as paradise ought to be

Some music that relate to me at the moment:It's hard to get around the wind - Alex Turner

Yes, I'm turning 17, I'm happy, and even somewhat proud of the last year, these 365 days (or 366 I don't remember if it was a leap year), reserved for me what I cried so much, emotions and I received them from open arms.

I laughed a lot, I cried a lot, I loved and suffered a little, I felt a lot and a little but that's what it was and I don't regret it, I remember from the trip to Avaré to the last detail; the dam, the laughter, the affection, the jealousy, the ATV, the madness; also the first months that M*** was gone when I would play pool, swim and drink almost daily doses and doses of Vodka and Cachaça, when I was part of some friends' soccer team and how I celebrated each goal as the last, the fights I got into with T*****, my first friendship in high school and the first time I went out with a friend, my first fortune-telling reading, my first HTML and CSS codes, and finally the last 3 months with the first "I love you" I ever heard and the biggest love I've ever had for anyone at I******, the best words, the best feeling and the best night of my life, I promised one thing that was that she would find someone better than me and apparently she did, i feel a little sad and it hurts me a little for me and for what could be of us, but i kept my promise and she must be happy and that she doesn't forget me, that is what matters to me, i will be with the ring you gave me for the beauty it represents still in my life.

It's obvious that nothing is like in my delirious dreams of living in a place with a beautiful stream with several colonial lamps lighting up while my loved one calls me to hug her, but that's putting an almost impossible expectation, so within the possible everything it's pretty good.

I'm celebrating it in Ilhabela, a beautiful beach, I'm enjoying the thing I like to do the most, staying in the sea and looking at the calm horizon, let's see what the next year has in store for me..

Some music that relate to me at the moment:That's Life - Frank Sinatra

I have a week to go before my vacation ends and I threw it in the trash all my time and I know it's my sole and exclusive fault, I threw it in the same trash I threw all my adolescence, which lives and has always lived with few highs and a lot of stability in the lows , the last being on the magical day of June 30th which was the best day of my life, when I felt really alive for the very first and only time, it's all sad because I had so much potential to be a great person with great ambitions , many friendships and maybe even a love relationship that lasted, but that wasn't in my script apparently... I'm that, a whole feeling kept in a headboard and locked in a claustrophobic and disorganized room.

But Fidomanin, you must have done at least one thing, yes I did but they are such everyday and terrible things to a certain extent that it wouldn't be so good to talk about, but I will tell you anyway, first I had a birthday lunch that was worth it pity for the food, the other people in the case part of my family seemed to have been forced to go to the place and celebrate so much that my brother invited a boy my age who i had never seen before probably to try to get me a friend it's just pathetic All this, I just wanted to run away somewhere, it doesn't even have to be the small town I ** live in, I already accept anything at this point, SP is ugly, horrible, there's not a beautiful thing in this city, so much so that the only and the sole reason people come here is the money, the fake, decrepit and corrupt corporate world, I really hope to get out of this shit, another thing I don't really want like every cliché teenager is the family, apart from my mother, my father, my brother older and m my younger brothers, all, I mean, I wouldn't miss them at all, especially my middle brother, I have trillions of cousins and uncles out there that I all see at least 20 times a year that I also don't care, I just wanted to to leave me alone so I don't have the pressure of having to make lots of people proud that are nobody to me, I think this is how I'm going to live after university, alone in some inhospitable place, working on something I hate, reading books, watching football, drinking cachaça, getting fat and regretting not being with I******* anymore, I'm proud of that fate, obviously not but it's what seems most likely to happen, but there will always be a light in me that never fades as you would say in the beautiful music of The Smiths.

I also drank almost every day and passed out on one of them, I never remember what happens but it's the way I live, one of the days I woke up and came across some messages from M*** and she said she was having thoughts again bad again, she had told me that they had stopped mainly because she was doing more gym and regaining confidence in her and her body because of that, i said that this worried me a lot and told her that when we traveled together i had seen medication and that I knew that she had psychological problems and that she could be open about everything that had happened to her in the past because she could trust me, she said it was true that she was medicated for depression and anxiety but she had never told me that she mutilated herself and that she had panic attacks, binge eating and suicidal thoughts on a regular basis in addition to starting to drink but mostly smoking a lot, on the outside she always seemed quite cheerful to me when I saw her laughing with I liked my silly jokes on the hammocks, but I suspected there was something behind it, but I told her that I worry a lot and that it's horrible to be going through all this and I HATE MYSELF.

I HATE MYSELF, I WANTED TO TALK TO HER EVERYTHING I FEEL, BUT I AM THAT, COWARD, A FUGITIVE FROM OTHERS AND FROM HIMSELF, I WANT TO SAY THAT I WANT TO HELP HER IN EVERYTHING YOU NEED, THAT I WANT TO BE BY YOUR SIDE IN EVERYTHING FOR EVERYTHING SHE DID TO ME AND EVERYTHING SHE IS BUT NANANINANNO IT WAS OBVIOUSLY SHE WOULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE I'M A SUCKER WHO HIDES IN OLD FEELINGS BY OLD PEOPLE WHO WON'T EVOLVE ME IT JUST CAN'T BE THE WAY I AM, I THINK I'LL TALK TO HER TODAY I DON'T CARE, I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE SHE BROUGHT UP AND I DO LIKE OTHER PEOPLE AND GIVE AN ANSWER IN TWO FUCKING LINES, fucking hell, i'm rotting thanks to all the readers

Some music that relates to me at the moment: Sim - Cartola

Well... I ended the fun of my vacation with a golden ending, how wonderful.... this week I went to my aunt's birthday and it was very formal as every birthday I only go to have my presence registered and because it's " family", but don't be fooled by what I said, I like my aunt, she is a very dear person to me, what I don't like is attending birthdays and family gatherings, every moment that happens in one of them I I just think about how I wish I wasn't there, but I went and had to live with my cousins ​​and brothers, having to talk and lie about my social life so I wouldn't look like a total failure, pretend to be interested in your profession, your hobbies and clubs , well, I manage to do that up to a point because the rest of the time I'm quiet waiting for the meeting to end. Also in that same meeting, a friend of my aunt who was totally drunk promised that she would give 3 million reais of inheritance to me and my brothers because she is very alone and doesn't have people to give the money she accumulated, on paper it's good but for me it's totally wrong for me to earn this money because I talked to her about 10 times in my entire life while my brothers lived almost all their lives with her, I would feel taking advantage of a person who could have a better destiny and I said to my mother that would be wrong but she insisted so I hope to honor this friend's name at least when she leaves for a better one...

A couple of days later I went to talk to a girl from my building who was with a friend next to her and the three of us get along very well and we had a lot of fun and it was really cool, I was even a little interested in this friend before I knew she was dating an acquaintance of mine and that made me not care about embarrassing myself to amuse them and I have to say that sometimes I'm very good at it and they laughed a lot at these same shames until they told me that a good friend of mine was mad at me and was saying that he wanted to kill me, I was shocked because he was always a person who is the nicest to me, but then they told me that the reason was that I was hanging out with the two of them a lot, and that he liked one of them and that for I was intimidating to him as well as being "higher in the hierarchy of importance" to the girl he liked, BUT FUCK, HE WANTED ME TO DO WHAT, DON'T HAVE FUN, DON'T TALK TO HER, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, I INTIMIDATOR, I AM INTIMATE IDADOR IT'S ONLY WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR THAT I FEEL INTIMIDATED BY MY UGLY and the same way I wouldn't be with the girl because:

1. She is 4 years younger than me and it would be totally wrong.

2. I miss I******* a lot and nothing will compare to her and I'm not over it yet

3. I want to disappear from my acquaintances for a while and hooking up with a girl wouldn't help me with that.

So I spent a whole day trying to sort myself out with him through other people and he was getting more and more angry that he even tried to physically fight with the girl's friend, but in the end he vented to the girl saying that he was angry with himself and that he took it out on me, but if being with her will make him angry I will not be, other people being in harmony is the most important thing after all... Now that the classes are going to go back to shit... and again I have 0 expectations, in the school environment I have always been a zero on the left and probably will be forever, I don't wait for the time to all end but everything will end when I turn 30 for now I'll be waiting even though I don't have anything to look forward to, thank you readers.

Some music that relates to me at the moment: A Vida como ela é - Carisma negativo

Once again

With hopes my heart beats

Because summer is going to end

Finally

I go back to the garden

Being sure that I have to cry

Because I do know you don't want to come back

To me

I complain to the roses

How foolish

Roses don't talk

Simply roses exalt

The perfume that they steal from you, ah

You should come

To see my gloomy eyes

And, who knows, you would dream my dreams

Finally