My Diary

Good morning everyone and a happy new year, I've been at my grandmother's house for a week and I've always said it's the place where I feel best and that's been confirmed for another year, here's almost everything I could want, love family and community, good food, a beautiful landscape, lots of nature and a degree of fun with my cousins and uncles.

I am also happy that my father is better and even though he is working and seems to feel really good around here, yesterday I went to the land to work with him digging the hole where the sewer pipe will be and bringing bricks from one side to the other, I talked a lot with my aunt about it and she confirmed several of my doubts such as the(imo wrong) hyperprotection of my brother, that he really doesn't feel very happy at home and is always stressed and other things, she also told me something that shocked me a lot, my cousin has a very rare syndrome in which she has a Y chromosome in addition to the two X and that is why she is sterile and now she has many acceptance problems with herself and I cannot imagine receiving such a diagnosis and I really hope that she accepts herself .

The New Year's party was good and full of funny moments like when my dad opened the champagne 30 seconds before the time, people opened the shredded paper too low and it all fell into the food (thank God everyone had already eaten) and this one year I have several plans in mind and I hope to complete them. Thanks readers.

Another week and I returned from my grandmother's house 5 days ago and I would like to say that tomorrow I will travel to another country with my mother and a filthy rich friend of hers so that my mother can see an ex-boyfriend of hers who lives there but even with so I think it will be a good trip overall, one city is basically beach and more beach which is nice and the other is a normal metropolis with some things to do, another thing I should mention is that my mother will be traveling in february for work and I'll be alone at home for a while, in February my university will also start and I can't lie that I'm a little anxious for this new phase.

Today I went to the gym one of my first times with a friend and I felt quite good there, the gym was kind of empty so it was much better than training with a lot of people around, it was worth the experience, nicer than I expected and maybe I'll even start to practice constantly which would be a good thing I just don't expect to become a full blown gym rat.

About the site, I used the same template and thank god I finished the other diary pages that I should have done before the end of the year, I'm learning inputs and forms in HTML and soon I will delve into animations, grids and tables, my next coding project will probably be testing my skills on these concepts and then killing myself on javascript

Hey, I'm about 3 days in colombian soil and it has been fine generally speaking, the city centre is beautiful and the Cali river margins are also great, food and clothes are much cheaper, the people are really kind and affectionate but now I'm going to talk about the funny problems that I have been facing, specially concerning the filthy rich friend of my mother, I'll briefly present her by telling she's a mentor and influencer who sells courses about stoic philosophy and just can't stop talking about it also she cant speak neither english or spanish or make sense that you can not take your cellphone out everytime on one of the most dangerous colombian cities at night or understand that she's not in Brazil to accept reais or pix so you can imagine what type of problems I faced but with all of this I've been patient enough to take all the problems that come with all of the things listed and helping with the best manners posible.

The ex-boyfriend of my mother visited us yesterday and said that we all should go to the most famous Salsa dance place down here so we went there and it was basically a place that had a (amazing) show and after the 90% of 50+ years old couples went to dance so I just started drinking Vodka cocktails to be awake all the night but at the end I saw a really beautiful girl that looked my age and with the courage that vodka gave me I invited her to dance on front of her family and she accepted, I explained her that I had never danced Salsa in my entire life, she understood and it was neither good or bad because in one side she was openly uncomfortable with my (lack of) dancing skills but on the other she was just pretty af, I almost invited other (this time older) girl after the music changed but the place was already closing, my ex stepfather made me get her instagram in the worst way possible but besides that I'd say it was a great experience.

Today Corinthians has lost its first game of the year as well with the new "coach", if this team continues like this we are going to get relegated this season, truly fucked up situation.

thanks for reading!

How are you friends, well? Another week or two has passed and there are only two days left for me to go back to the land of the palm trees where the sabiás sing and even more important is that it is less than 3 weeks until I have my first college class, I can't quite believe this, I'll start and will start a new routine different from the one I was used to 14 years ago and I have a few things to say about this new routine, I plan from February until the end of July to study intensively in college and online crash courses, every day with little rest because I need to make sure that I manage to manage with the main web development (mainly HTML, CSS, JS, REACT AND BOOTSTRAP) so that after I turn 18 I get a job whether or not I'm in my area that after that I won't have enough time to study so avidly (That way, about new friendships I doubt it will change much from what it was in high school because I'm not good at giving good first impressions but I'll try to fit in anyway)!.

What I've been doing this past week is trying to dance in salsa clubs and until I managed again without the help of two big glasses of cachaça to call another beautiful girl and it seemed to have worked but after I got drunk she called me to repeat it apparently she thought I was pretty because I don't dance well but she tried with all her might to teach me to dance but after two shots my movements didn't make so much sense, she was right with an angry expression, trying to tell me how it was step by step but I didn't listen to her because of the noise of the music and I just nodded, on the other days I left for the island that is around here where there are several beaches and more islands and I confirm that they are paradises, these places are so beautiful , clear waters with fish and white sand, I relaxed very well, I spoke with my father and my brothers who were also very cute, asking me if there were sharks there, I gave them all my attention because I know very well what it is like to have an older brother who doesn't care and doesn't talk to you and I don't want to be that for them, I'll try being a brother who, within the limitations of distance, is very attentive and affectionate with their growth, I would do everything for them to grow up well, especially the older one of the two who faces cognitive impairments, besides that things are the same, my mother's rich friend keeps messing around on the trip talking about being a coach and other things, my mother keeps trying to get over her breakup by mentioning in every conversation how she's doing well without her ex(why do some adults not assume they're not over it instead of tracking their ex's every move on Instagram and telling about how they are better without him/her? it's truly strange), the next entry will probably be a rant about what happened in recent times so I warn you right away not to read it because it will be a complaint with more of the same.

Many thanks to those who read.

I've been thinking a lot these last few weeks about my social situation over the last year and how it will be from now on, I already said in my text about my childhood and pre-adolescence that until I was 14 I wasn't used to having many or any friend at all because I couldn't hardly socialize until that age, at 14 I started talking to a group in my condominium that basically talked about football and nothing else that gradually moved away from 2021 to the present day and another that I never had so much optimism at the time that I started sharing with M___ and an old childhood friend L_____, this group which ended up in the middle of 2021, even though throughout 2022 I still talked from time to time with M____, the feeling of having a group of friends present that seemed to fit together so perfectly was gone these examples in addition to Isabelle who reappeared and ended equally sudden were my only friendships during my entire life, everyone has gone one at a time this past year by my own fault or just naturally, only leaving one new girl who 100% does not care and neither likes me who openly talks that she only likes me when I'm drunk and is likely to be gone like the others in some time.

With everything that's gone on in the last couple of years I've noticed that I've treated all of these breakups, estrangements and abrupt conflicts that have happened to me as normally as possible, I'm not fuming angrily over these things to be quite honest, I'm fuming angrily for not being frothing with rage over these things that happened, treating it all with a normality worthy of waking up early every day for college is what pisses me off, I should have been thirstier and determined for change more than anyone else, I had and still have potential gigantic to be someone decent, caring and better but for some reason there's always something in my head that says "don't worry, everything is the way it always was" and yes it is but it's unacceptable to be like this, could I get up the courage to talk to M___ again, I could have the courage to throw myself into Isabelle's arms again, I could have the courage to take the initiative to meet new people but no, this voice prevents me and I can say here in this diary that I will try when at the moment of truth I chicken out, I stand in a corner and wait for something to happen, it is truly disappointing that if something does happen I will push myself to run half a marathon so that in the moment of greater importance throw myself in the running track before the finish line claiming that finishing the race is not what I would typically do and when I see the mistake I made I will bang my head on the ground, angry at what it could have been like to cross that line.

But anyways, I see this year as going to be the most important one in my life yet, a point of no return, a once in a lifetime chance where I either start to remake myself entirely now or never again so being doomed to the same habits and compulsions I've had for the last 17 years of my life probably becoming what some acquaintances used to say about me becoming someone uncommitted, devoid of self-respect and in dismay, so I hope with all my will that this time, truly, it will be a restart, a rebuilding of the spoils of these last years to become something authentic, good and worthy, the question that remains is whether this period of reconstruction will last or I will give up halfway through as usual, only God or the universe knows but I prefer it to be the first option.

Thank you readers, do not give up.