My Diary

Ai ai ai, back to my hometown of São Paulo, how I love this jungle of stones and gray concrete and I came back not getting a soccer derby that Corinthians won (hallelujah) but at least I watched Interstellar on the flight with a guy who was on my side and it's a great film, the ending is a bit surreal and leaves a lot of subjectivity aside from the interpretation but otherwise it was well scripted, there were many exciting plot twists, Cooper's conflicts are heavy and difficult to face besides that held me very well during the course of the whole film, today I made a chicken curry that was delicious and I went to find out when my college really started and apparently it will start on the 15th of this month online, a day after my mother's work trip will be gone for two weeks so I'll have a lot of preparation time.

Another thing that occurred to me specifically the day before yesterday is that on my first day in São Paulo an acquaintance of mine called this girl who doesn't care about me and after she arrives my acquaintance basically goes home and leaves me alone with her and then my friend you already know, I try many times to find a good subject and I fail many times but in a moment of the conversation we come across something that involves us a lot which is the several people who honestly think that she and I are dating so I suggested it to her we invented some story to make fun of these people but then little by little she opened up physically to me, saying that my accent is beautiful, that one day we should go together and alone to her country house in the city more cold and romantic country (which reminded me of the time when I was planning my future talking to Isabelle) and at that point I was already thinking "holy shit, I might date this girl in the medium term future" and she just s and opening, letting me move forward physically in certain more difficult parts but when it was already late and she had to go home I got a little disappointed and I told myself that I wouldn't stay just for that and I went to send her off with a hug but she started fiery twerking, so I looked at her face and told her to go somewhere less public but she stopped me saying that today she didn't feel like it anymore because I had called her best friend hot minutes ago and also that she said she was kind of traumatized from having hooked up with some old friends of mine, I obviously insisted but in the end I gave in after a lot of struggle because I'd obviously never force her but I'm absolutely sure that she would have accepted normally if it had been at the right time because when I insisted she said one time that I should "parar de pilhar se não você sabe" which is a kind of stopping someone to do something if not the person eventually gives in sso I tried more but it didn't quite worked but the fundamental thing I took from this is that there's a chance I will hook up with this girl if I don't even start to dating her by absolute osmosis and naturalness of events which makes me worried and conflicted.

Good night, afternoon or morning everyone, one more week passed and I sae my brothers and aunt again after not seeing them for a month and I somehow managed to get into a fight with them because they made me drink several glasses of gin while they had beer, lets start at the beginning, i don't like my middle brother even though i wish him the best he's not a person i enjoyed being around and we got into an argument in some way i don't remember but he and his girlfriend kept talking about how I'm supposedly spoiled while he doesn't contribute to shit at home and when I say shit it's shit, his only job is to take out the trash and even that he's not able to do now leaving it to his gc although I wash the bathroom he shits, I make the food he eats and I wash his bedding that he sleeps, but no I sure am the spoiled one and not a guy who has never had a permanent job with 28 years of age, he knows it's been null at min my whole life after I was three years old, he's raged saying he changed my diapers and after I completed three years of age he was almost a shadow in my life, then there's my mother talking about habits or a sister-in-law offering me plastic surgery, if that's it what will every family encounter be like, I prefer not to have a family, these people are judging and judging others like it's nothing but maybe I'm a bad person, so I'm the one who has little or no pride in myself, so I'm the one who's wanted for my mom to take care of her when she's older, I'm the bad person, I think at every family gathering about changing my name at the registry office and going to live somewhere else pretending to be someone else with another life story has always been a recurring fantasy of mine but I know it won't come true, another time I saw my father in person, unfortunately he's still in a difficult employment situation and nothing has changed, the house at meals continues to be a hell of screaming and more fighting on the table because my brothers insist on not wanting to eat one thing or another and I remain silent in this crossfire.

I've been wondering if I'm falling in love with a girl who clearly doesn't care about me but I've come to the conclusion that I just happen to be completely alone and want to make contact with someone right away, no matter who, life alone even if more free is torture, days go by without you even realizing it, all of this is sad, but at least I watched Her by Spike Jonze, a great film that manages to be at the same time a film with great plot and comic parts, the dystopia simultaneously more realistic and scary I've ever seen where operating systems replace human companionship and basically the story of a guy being a cuckold to a computer all at the same time, it's on my list of favorite movies for sure Obs. Joaquin Phoenix is once again the excellent actor he is.

There is a week left to start my college classes and I started another project to test some fundamentals that I lack in HTML/CSS (mainly forms, box-model, flex and animations) and start JS once and for all progressing little by little and oddly enough I made a whole login page in about 3 hours with only animations, loading page and everything, it turned out so good that I was even proud of myself and may host it on Neocitirs, I hope to finish this site in a month instead of 7 like this one what I'm talking about, the project I've been doing is a whole website of recipes and it's progressing very well, another thing that's also progressing is that I'm back to training at the gym and it's a strange but good feeling, I hope to continue doing at least sometimes...

The result of the National High School Examination(ENEM) came out and I kind of expected the ridiculously mediocre grade, the grade 651.2 out of 1000 is a grade that not only defines my learning ability but all my life, I've always been that way, never compromised and then there was the pandemic and that only made my lack of commitment worse, this grade is not good enough to pass any good course at good public universities, now, as I said, it's a point where there's no turning back, you can't go back in time and I'll carry the weight of throw my adolescence in the trash because there was usually a stigma that nerds got good grades by making an effort not socializing while more popular people socialized well but didn't get good grades for the most part, I using no neuron chose not to be sociable or have good grades, I also pray for the best, it's not going to stay that way, I don't get discouraged, I'll turn out to be a good person in the end, sorry for being a little pessimistic but you'll see.

Look, I talk a lot mostly about my risky love affairs and my past and how these things shaped me happily or unfortunately to be who I am today but I rarely talk about the past of those who spent the most time with me, taking advantage of my mother's 56th birthday the day before yesterday and will travel today I will talk about her and her family, since I was mostly raised by her, I almost never spoke about the struggled past that led to the good conditions I currently have.

My mother was born to a very unusual couple, her father I never knew came from the most inhospitable countryside of Peru to become a legend in his hometown as "the man from the region who succeeded internationally" until this day if someone from our family goes there they'll tell the stories of the genious that my grandpa was and to become that his upbringing was of the most rigid possible even for the time, no one could believe that someone who left that village would become a diplomat, renowned cell researcher and university professor in the USA and Brazil, with the minor exception being the rule he found a woman while working in Brazil, a simple and friendly school teacher in the interior of Brazil and they ended up getting married, while the mother was a hardworking and warm person, the father was a walking rigid brain, my mother was born from the mixture of these two elements, super intelligent, warm with friends but responsible and very strict with children as she would have been raised by their parents, many say that my aunt was very spoiled by her father because she was the prettiest and that and in his head she would make a good mother while my mother made her almost like a slave, there are truly horrible accounts of my grandfather's treatment of my mother and even my older brothers.

My mother would have to deal with her father's multiple work trips to Spanish-speaking countries where she would live until she was 15, move to Brazil at that age and attend high school without even knowing Portuguese or history or geography of Brazil and despite all the difficulties, she passed first in the class grade, she was always hardworking but would have to face the death of her mother very early, abandoning her plans to study nuclear physics in Germany to stay in Brazil to take care of her sister who still she was young, alone, she faced this and did two universities, Physics and computing in Brazil, taking her to a position in a factory in a medium-sized city before my grandfather died that even with a lot of money one of the daughters out of wedlock took all the money money from the inheritance and disappeared, screwing with my mother who had to live badly and had married a man who would leave her alone with two children to take care of and they had a huge hard time, they slept in rooms cold sometimes without even a proper bed and she had to play the role of both the affectionate mother and the strict father, but many times this role of father was transposed making her treat much harder than acceptable, they were constantly broomed, shoved and buckled, having stories that even the two brothers hating each other protected the other sacrificing themselves for the punishment to divide and not only fall to one of the two, but with a lot of struggle, intelligence and perseverance, she advanced in her career reaching the highest city in Latin America, many sacrifices were made, the children didn't even take a lunch or a fruit to eat to save money and in this situation I was born and at two years old my parents separated, at that time my mother was in a much better situation but she started to travel a lot to I work and left me with my older brother but especially the middle one who even though I don't like him so much these days he made the sacrifice to take care of me being a pre-teen while my mother was away and he for not liking to see his brother crying while being beaten, at 18 he told my mother not to treat me the way he treated them and I apologize to him for having mistreated him one day that he was absent in my growth after I was 5 years old,and yes, I still grew with a discipline and rigor much, much greater than the current average, I took several and several slippers monthly, buckled and strapped, having one day that I even slept on the cold floor of the locked bathroom so as not to get hit but it doesn't come close of raising my brothers and my mother, obviously I make an effort not to reproduce the same upbringing logic with cousins and younger brothers than I but I was privileged, they helped me a lot so that I was not treated in the exact way they were, I prevented adolescence from my middle brother and I was born in extremely better material conditions than them.

I'm spoiled and I don't deserve even close to what I have, I try to improve even if it's hard, I feel both grateful and bad for being here, that's all, you can see what all this creation influenced me with my attitudes besides the fact that I lost a good part of my weekends in the 35-degree summer going in a blue Renault Clio to countless street vendors to buy things they wanted. I wanted her instead of going to the pools, video games and courts that most of the children were there to have fun, I couldn't go out more than an hour a day from 6 to 7 pm and nothing more, because I needed to study in the afternoon and eat at 7 sharp and that it may have been one of many reasons that helped to hinder my social skills but I now fully understand why, my mother came from nothing and achieved so much in life through discipline and replicating that treatment for me and my siblings would be a way for us to we had the same success, currently my opinion is that it didn't work out so well because of the conflicts with my brothers mainly with the one in the middle who had to change universities at her insistence but being impartial we are respectively 17, 28 and 32 years old, we can't jumping to conclusions I will only draw definitively in case we reach 50 years and it doesn't work out, in the same way I love my mother unconditionally and that's it.

Thanks readers.

Hi, another time has passed and we are together, few things have happened... I had my first week of classes and it was as expected, the first was a crazy livestream talking about the hackathon at the end of the year in addition to showing some projects made by students involving electrodes, robot-dogs and talked about the GPT Chat, the second one I missed which was more about AI but the others I participated with the third being a veiled advertisement for Oracle (which I won't drop because I know that AWS and Azure are very most used) and the others involved more practical and explanatory things about the course itself, there will be psychological and career support with partner companies, courses with recognition in the job market in certain areas included and this is very good but the main thing is that my first face-to-face class starts tomorrow (same day of my mother's return to Brazil) and honestly I don't know what to realistically expect, it will be an unprecedented and remarkable experience for being something that I will be I've been back for 4 years, I hope I'm not alone.

I've been applying for several job vacancies without so much success, besides being among those pre-selected for an interview in two of them with a more than reasonable salary (for a person like me) of 1700 R$, I don't think that any attempt to employment until September because of the damn mandatory military enlistment but it doesn't cost anything to at least try, maybe they will be impressed with my Spanish and my English for technical support service.

I spent Carnival at my father's house and I'm happy that he found another job in a short time, even though it's a different area from the one he worked, he will sell solar panels, apart from this good news, things are still the same at your house, my brothers they continue to give him and my stepmother a lot of stress and work.

I also went to watch the movie The Whale and I can say that in my opinion it is a great movie, it reminded me a lot of the book of Death by Ivan Illich for all the context of being a man dying in his last days of life containing several personal conflicts with family members , friends, students and lovers, the protagonist is morally ambiguous, in the same way that he tried to do the best for his daughter he ended up harming her friend, he seems and I believe to be a person with a pure heart with the best intentions but he made countless mistakes throughout his life that took him to the bottom as the betrayal and consequent abandonment of his daughter and the food compulsion developed, also would like to point out that I find it a little beautiful his pursue of honesty, you may not like him at all but I can't disagree that he is a man that values honesty, at least in the end he dies like Ivan Illich, happy to hear the last words of someone the protagonist cares about granting his last personal wishes.

Thanks for reading, I'll be back with more...