My Diary

Oops, I haven't updated here for a while but everything is more of the same, I feel like I'm back to square one doing the same things as in 2019 with extra steps but let's get back to talking about what matters. I HATE FOOTBALL it's amazing how this Brazilian team can't hold a game for 5 minutes when they were supposed to be the most catimbadores, the most cheaters who stop the game with fouls but since these guys all went to play in europe they play nice and safe with a lot of "fair play", I don't care about "fair play", I care about "semi-finals play" but they didn't understand very well, unfortunately... 4 more years without a World Cup and next year should be painful as a Corinthians fan since they hired a friend from the board who graduated in IT to be a football coach but I promised myself the same way to go to Arena Corinthians to watch a game for the first time next year, let's see.

Now to stop talking about football, last night I was forced to attend my brother's graduation party, which didn't go to my graduation and went just as I had hoped, plus the Whiskey+Redbull they offered me in droves for free and the funk dance that satisfied my horny teenager part, the rest was bad, I had to explain for 2 hours to both my sister-in-law and my sister-in-law's friend that I don't hate my sister-in-law and that I just "love them my way", and I swear to you that I love them in my own way, I leave them alone because I expect the same treatment with me since this brother is the person in my family that I like the least but at least I respect him and let them do whatever they want but I don't want and don't need to be friends with them, my sister-in-law also kept saying that I should stop defying my mother, since if I defied my mother I would already be living on the street, she seems to be a kind and good person for my brother but the problem isn't her, it's about me being an unsympathetic person and I understand them perfectly.

Also, I have two job interviews scheduled to be a night clerk because in the morning I'll be studying at college and I hope to change my hours there in the next few years but at least I'm making an effort not to be a useless person and at least earn a little money.

Now we're back to the normal schedule of reading + trying to learn programming + drinking + spending the days in an eternal procrastination because those are the things we have for today at least, I hope that something comes back to liven up my life again but the way it goes I'll get back to mine old expectations, no love, no excitement and no objectivity, but that's always been the case, the affair with M*** is most likely over but it was always the case, everything with her was extended until we didn't make it, apparently she changed schools and we'll walk our paths, different, distant, temporary and that's how it is.

My old friends have been contacting me and it's the same thing, there's not much to do but accept it even though I don't like the mock talks and fake laughs so much but as we know it's better to share the loneliness rather than embrace it

Hi, good morning, a few more days passed and I did my first job interview, I wasn't putting faith in it and it was even less worse than I expected, basically as I'm 17 years old, 0 experience and I haven't gone to the mandatory military conscription yet in this shitty country (I could make a 5 paragraph rant about it existing in a country without diplomatic problems or enemies but I want to preserve my mental health) with this set of information I failed right away but at least I was "brave" to try and having spoken clearly without mental blocks is already a "win".

In fact I've been hating not being in school, at least there I had some even minimal productivity and hope for change in this post-leave period until July when finally turning 18 will probably be the most boring period of my life, I can't be productive and get a job even if I really want to because of my age, I can't even meet new people because 1st I don't have this skill developed and 2nd that my college only starts in February, my current friends don't give a fuck to me, they don't call me once and my old girl friends walked away from me, what's left for me is to drink, read and do the household chores. simply living the dream.

At least the festive period is coming and I like the New Year celebrations because I always go to the countryside of Rio to visit my family on my father's side and they are always very kind, they make every meal delicious and they are very affectionate, especially my grandmother and my little cousin L***, they love me more than anything, L*** in particular is very funny, we always played hide and seek and every time I went there she would tell me about her life, about her school, how she made friends and how she danced at the Festa Junina and this new song on tiktok, it's really cute, my grandma has always been my favorite family member since I was a baby she always took good care of me when I was at her house, my grandpa has a big place where he takes care of animals, I really want to go back riding the Ballerina( the name of the mare I always rode) and really feel part of a community, a family with the countless people there, always simple, charitable and good, I also want to go to the end of year mass this time and make the most of it of helping them on the organisation and feeling this unique warm on the heart that is to be or there, maybe my spirit has always lived there and not São Paulo....

I've also just read the combo Communist Manifesto and a summary of Capital and honestly, it's got good ideas in theory but me as a bland apolitical who's been to every possible ideology, I've listened to so many points of view as a teenager, be it anarchist, conservative , progressive, I'm honestly tired of everything related to this subject, in Brazil, in particular, I've already seen fights, separations of all kinds with this guilt agenda, the environment as a whole of politics is contaminated by a hatred that spreads If I had, I wouldn't be able to stand it psychologically and probably would have consequences for that, you can call me a coward but I can't and I won't be able to make a difference or history on this planet so much so that this site has so many functions (one of them is having an amazing community that helps you instead of judging , I love you all :>) it's a fossil of my life that I want even among billions of sites to be a remnant of what I truly was whether that's what I was shameful or not o, pathetic or not, good or not, I was me and only me, my dream is that someone on the future will look upon this like a book and see the history of a successful man that overcome problems and become a great person in the end obviously that is only starting now there's so much problems to go through, adjust myself and there are so much to be done yet, I hope I achieve peace in the end of it all.

I also mixed Fanta grape with Vodka thinking it would be like mixing Coke with Mentos, big mistake, big disappointment, don't make this at home because you don't blow the thing, it just makes the fanta taste like alcohol, never was a good student on chemistry lol. One thing to do at home is listening to Dinossauros from Dingo Bells, great song. Good night and love you all.

Well....the other week, it's been extraordinarily bad, my dad was fired from his job and he was visibly shaken by it, he really is and always has been a very hard working person and he had been with the company for practically a decade and for sure I would have been in the same situation in his place, he left his city to talk to me and it was already strange from the beginning and we had lunch together and spent time on a ferris wheel nearby with two more people inside, an influencer who was more about taking pictures than take advantage of it and her son who was her photographer, the day was cloudy and when we went in a storm started that fogged up the entire window but even so the view was not wonderful obviously because I am in São Paulo and the only thing that see, it's a polluted river, some sheds and some gray buildings, I didn't touch on the subject of my father's job as it might sound very insensitive of me and I thanked him for dedicating himself and spending that time with me.

My mother and my brother fractured their leg in the same day but they're already recovering from their fractures and manage to walk easily with a smaller boot but her temperament remains the same, always angry and impatient, today for example she spent an hour complaining about not finding the authorization for me to renew the passport, and on the site where she entered there was the damn authorization in addition to the fact that the Federal Police were suspended from creating new passports because of the strikes and she retorts this hatred towards me at eight o'clock in the morning, then she goes to her script to complain this time with my brother because he was bothered by her screaming and went to lunch alone and at that she got indignant and there went another half hour of screaming about how she had ruined her son's life by not letting him finish university public or why my brother leaves around Christmas with a broken foot, all that screaming in front of my 8 year old cousin. Tiring.

On the same day we went to lunch with my aunt and my cousin and I was tired after all those scenes so when my mother asked me about something I replied in an impatient and rude way that I didn't know and soon after my aunt indirectly said that I was a bad influence on my cousin and that sentence offended me a lot because I am the BEST cousin that ever lived and I say the BEST without any exaggeration, what I did to that child is not in the books, first of all I always stayed with him in under all circumstances and I never wrongly criticized him, the second is that I always strived for the best for him, I pleased him in every possible way an example was on his birthday when at his request I played the part of a party entertainer dressed in a costume of alligator made of velvet in the middle of summer in Brazil (i.e. 35 degrees celsius) and I ran around the condo all afternoon playing tag, police and robbers, hide and seek, whatever he wanted, everything for him, every time his dad As soon as they leave the house I take care of him very well, he always has fun with me and I'm almost never thanked for that, I can be a bad nephew, a bad son, a bad friend, but for me to be a good cousin I have to get a lot worse because I'm a perfect cousin and I'm sorry for the arrogance but I've never seen anyone doing anything like that for a cousin, after I got offended and since she didn't have the courage to mention my name when criticizing me, I couldn't hold back and started a fervent discussion that would only end with she leaving the table and it really could be that I was wrong and that I was excited because the day had already started badly for me but I can't see any lies in what I said, everything I said, I witnessed it, I was there when the son she wanted to hit girls and i had to teach him something so basic that parents should be talking about from age 2 but I am a bad influence and still whatever if i see them one more time after christmas they will move out and I will be free because for me if I go abandoned by everyone I understand perfectly and maybe this is my destiny.

I haven't spoken to many people besides my friend who I constantly hold myself back from going too far because she already explained to me that she wouldn't stay with me and one or another friend who crosses paths with me one day or another, I can't wait to see my paternal family anymore in the new year for the affection they treat me.

I'm sorry for the arrogance and self-centeredness, thank you readers.

Good morning, how are you? It's hard to define what good really is, many things come and go but in the end few things really change, Christmas was very complex, I reconciled with my aunt reluctantly but my mother was very sad about the fight the day before the eve Christmas so I let my pride fade away and I just accepted to make my mother happy, on Christmas Day it was like a children's birthday because it only served to get the adults drunk at Jack Daniel's and I don't drink in public so because of my age I preferred to stay out and y'all already know that drunks just do shit just reading my diary so my aunt's christmas turkey that was on watch almost burned down because she got wasted and fell asleep instead of seeing the turkey, my brother shook my 8 year old cousin like it was a pre workout shake after the little one ate two whole plates of food making him almost throw up and others.

Today in particular I was invited by the old girl that I was interested in because she let me do certain things after some time without talking and she was with a friend (the one who called me) and again there were both of them and a friend of mine wanted to take this one friend and I was making an effort for him without the girl knowing, in the end it didn't work and today this friend came to ask me why I didn't tell her about his interest because apparently she didn't want to because she was romantically committed to a guy so I replied which I didn't tell because this friend of mine is from a long time 2020 (that's a long time friendship for me lol) so she who knows my friends well said to my face that they didn't care about me the fact that I agreed for them not contact me but I replied to her asking what would be the reason for me to trust her instead of them and she answers me literally that she called me once or twice in my life and that's why I should trust her and that nobody would do that, besides so these two girls treat me like I'm a jester or something, constantly saying "you'll make us laugh or not", "entertain me because I'm fucking bored" or even "you're only cool when you're drunk", like I know they got to know me and I gained their sympathy by having a few moments where I made them laugh a lot but I'm not and I can't be like that all the time but honestly everything that was said in that situation fucking hurt man.

I went back to playing some games that I played when I was younger like DDTank (cheap copy of gunbound), Gartic (guessing drawings) and Habbo Hotel (place where you basically start your career as a psychopath, thief, bandit, sniffer, drug dealer , crazy police, robber police, among others) and even though the quality declined extremely, I managed to have fun remembering how it was, Habbo in particular only has either pre-teens or people with the same nostalgia in their 25s and I heard several stories coming from these guys, I also started reading Charles Bukowski's Tales of ordinary madness and the often funny chronicles I've read so far have reminded me of Nelson Rodrigues, it's been really good, this will be my penultimate entry in the diary and the last one I'll summarize everything that I felt and didn't feel that year, I have to do the page of the different years in the diary and tomorrow I'll go to my grandmother's house and I'll be more at peace for at least two weeks, I'm quite anxious.

Thank you very much readers.