Fidomanin/my personal website/
My Diary
14th of August
Sad...just sad...I have no other description, these weeks have been horrible but bearable, I haven't spoken to anyone for a week and this happens to me, I can't stand being unlucky anymore and I understand that I was very lucky in May so much that I had the best day of my life that month but I didn't imagine myself being in this deplorable situation... after not talking to anyone for a week I took the opportunity to talk and go out with some friends to watch the classic Corinthians X Palmeiras and we lost, I also lost my vocal cords cursing players and obviously I was sad about the result but I didn't expect what was to come, you readers know that I drink routinely and I used to drink with some friends who are at most 2 years younger that I, and yes I know it's wrong and yes I know I'm a terrible person but these friends decided to drink and give alcohol to a 13 year old kid, 13 fucking years old, and I'm to blame for having influenced him to start drinking , and even though I didn't buy it or give it to him, I'm to blame, but this reached the manager's ears and the manager thinks that I bought drinks for these boys and I didn't buy it and I would never do that for a 13-year-old boy, but indirectly It's my fault, I FINISHED THIS BOY'S LIFE AND YOUTH, and there is no worse feeling to know that, it's bitter, it's horrendous and I owe him so many apologies because he's become or is becoming what I am, and I don't want that to happen. to anyone, my existence is solely to show as an example what poor development in childhood, stubbornness and toxicity in adolescence and in general what a pathetic person is, but there the boy was, asking to be given more drinks , not walking in a straight line, staggering, crying a lot when remembering his lover, throwing up laid down in the bathroom and this situation is all because of a pathetic men like me, besides, I can end my life for free if this false information that I bought alcohol for this boy gets to my mother, so I rudely and violently threatened the guys who bought the boy vodka that if I saw them once giving alcohol to that unfortunate boy they would have to deal with me, but they respected it and said in the back of my eyes that they would never do it again the same and that they were aware of the mistake they had made, but I don't want to pass as a saint in this story, I'm the biggest hypocrite for having threatened them and this was only for an attempt to control already irreversible damages I hate myself and I guarantee that I won't go out with anyone anymore, it happened once and for all, I only cause discomfort and bad times, first it's the jealous boy that wanted to kill me, then when i come back it's a drunk kid slowly losing his youth with my one and only guilt even if indirectly I'm ruined there's nothing to save me but Isabelle but she doesn't come back and i don't know if will ever come back, I stopped talking to M*** and I'm sad about it but happy because she deserved better people than me and well... I never imagined myself in this situation before, I thought I would be in the small town of C**** B***** with Isabelle hugging me and that I would never worry again or a year ago I could have proposed to M*** and we would be happy together but that's not what life had waiting for me, she likes me at the worst, with no hope, no way out and no soul, and will continue so I will wait until my 30s for everything to be over at once, I don't need to be in a hurry in these moments, I'm on a path of no return to the near end of me being an imminent failure, a nobody for nobody, another thing is that my mom wants me to go to the prom and i don't know or am friends with anyone at my high school, she will see that i am a social disgrace and this is one of my biggest nightmares because i always managed to lie saying that I get along well with everyone and this damn nightmare is waiting... my year is over, there's nothing to be done but wait or cry alone, but now I will block everyone, I don't want to talk to anyone for at least two months, I'm a terrible person and a bad influence, I don't want to someone else ruined because of me, the only things I will do is go to school, study programming, drink alone, read, eat and sleep, I will delete most of my social networks and only come back when I feel minimally good and even with all these bad things happening this is still little compared to what I deserve, may God and people forgive me even if I don't deserve.
These next few months promise to be the worst I've ever experienced and maybe I'm at one of my lowest points in my life and the worst thing is that everything is my only fault and there's no solution, I write this while eating one of the most tasteless foods I've ever had. I have already eaten, nothing has taste or color, everything slowly becomes something gray with a claustrophobic aspect, but always at the bottom of the well there is hope to get out of it, I will continue to try to smile at the few things that give me pleasure and do my obligations as person, if God exists I hope to be pleasing him at least.
Talking about M***, it's all over, literally everything, there's nothing to be done, I said goodbye to M*** one last time and it was really painful but I don't want to be a bother to her and that's what I I've always been for her since her parents separated and I never saw her again, after that event she had to put up with countless outbursts, attacks of nostalgia and romanticism from me and she always understood and never complained, always helping me in what I needed and even what I didn't need but time changes and she has improved a lot since the last time I saw her and changed for the better, she faced her problems of insecurity and today she feels much better and now that I've become a nuisance it doesn't make sense to make that a person as good as she suffers for a person like me, I hope that she still has a good view of me and that I am not a stain of bad times in her life and that one day she will remember me fondly.
I really don't want anything bad to happen to this girl I had so many good times, yes those moments are in the past but in the sad moments I will remember that one day I was happy with her talking about beggars or anything that made her show that beautiful smile, it's over, it's over forever and there's nothing to be done, I wish her the best of luck even though I think she won't even need that luck because she's a naturally strong person who's been through a lot of bad things in her life and this goodbye it's my fault alone, for I never valued her as much as she deserved to be valued, when she asked me for advice I could never help her because what she went through was unimaginable to me and I had never been through such circumstances, and how I will remember I remember our trip to Avaré and how we loved each other, in silence, but we loved each other, hugging in the dam just feeling each other's warmth, I'm sure she will be a great person and that she will have many successes ahead and knowing that I made this story that will be written and that she once loved me is one of the greatest honors I have, as she once told me "You need to be the reason for the laughter of a love and not the reason for its tears", I know she won't read this but thanks for everything and sorry for so little. I hope everyone is well, because particularly I will not be in the short term.
We are here in this blue world on another day waiting for salvation, thanks readers.
Some music that relate to me at the moment: Worst timeline - Crustsox
23rd of August
Another week in which nothing good or relevant happens, but anyway I will count them the least, I have done what is necessary to live knowing that I will live for another decade at least, I went to school and did the national science olympic because I had been "forced" to apply by my director (actually she suggested I do it and as I would have thought it would be rude to refuse so I accepted), and who knew that a human being who gets a 2 in physics would be horrible in a national exam, so nothing out of the ordinary, I've also been in self-isolation for a week for everything that happened at the beginning of the month and I understood that it would be a bad influence, as for most of my life I've been alone and with very few to no friendships for me I got used to it quickly and yesterday in particular I missed it immensely that was accumulating in me for two months and I decided to send a message to Isabelle and suggested that I visit her this Friday in her city and well, she told me that she couldn't she would see me because she was grounded and if she wasn't I would be 100% willing to run away from everything for her, I wouldn't tell anyone, I would take my documents and go by subway to the bus station and from there I would pay a bus ticket to the city her because my biggest lack in my life is her and the adrenaline she brought in my life, the youthful feeling of running away and risking everything for love, that's what I want, but apparently it won't happen at least this week and probably forever too even though she is probably the only salvation I have from myself.
I also wanted to talk about the function of this website and this diary for me, my life purpose is to keep this website until my deathbed no matter if that death comes tomorrow or at my 90 years old, I did this and this will be more than anything to reason for my life, to tell it as close to reality as possible, and after the reality that I will die someday, let this diary tell who I was, what I did and what I thought at every time of my late life whether my story is one of overcoming and maturing or an abysmal downfall, for me what matters is the legacy even knowing that few people will see the site that at least it is eternalized (or almost eternalized) in the web and I understand that is probably something kind of egomaniac or narcissist but idk to be honest, it will just be my fossile preserved in ambar and probably the only genuine and entirely personal thing I've ever created so I think that's the reason why I care so extremely much for this sweet little corner, but anyways thanks to all readers.
25th of August
Yesterday was a bad day, already at school I was already feeling that it would be a bad day, on the way home I was stressed and tired after cycling I went to lunch with my mother and already in the order she was already arguing about something irrelevant, on the way back it was all running well, I slept a little and she complained again that I had slept and I wake up much earlier than her and I get tired from school from cycling 5km but it must be a sin to sleep, when dinner was ready I was watching the game on the computer and she complained again i closed the computer and she asked me about the prom she wants to go to and i don't want to at all and i said i couldn't see the reservation and she got mad telling the worst truths about me, that i don't I had friends, I never went to any parties or went out with anyone, that I don't care about my future, that I drink alone because I can't relate to anyone, it was one of the saddest things I heard because my mother never spoke the truth s about my life in front of me so to speak and it's really painful to hear everything and know that everything she said there is no lie involved and i can't even respond or disagree with what she said i don't have the morals and even if i hitting like a dagger I think it's good that my mother is 100% transparent with me because in addition to showing what she truly thinks about me, it reinforces my cowardly view that one of my main goals is to temporarily distance myself from my family. It made me want to cry while she was saying that but I managed to resist, I just think it's amazing how not to stop this streak of bad luck and I don't think it will get out of this pathetic life anytime soon.
These days I rewatched the movie Paris, Texas and I can't say how good this film is, man, from the beginning when Travis wandered through the desert in search of survival, the search for his son's trust in the protagonist, the Super8 scene and the from the phone call to the emotional reunion between Hunter and Jane are perfect and it's certainly among my favorite movies, it's a movie that tells the insatiable search for the feelings of the past and redemption for his big mistakes that caused even greater consequences and even though many people criticize Travis' decision not to stay together as a family is because he realized that he was going to have the same aggressive habits again and that to avoid the same situation he fulfilled his promise to reunite mother and son, in my opinion I believe he took the right measure so it wouldn't cause another crisis, and I believe Travis at the end of the movie went back to his lot in Texas waiting for his lover to return to the place where everything he is had begun. the but then it's simply my theory.
Another thing that happened was the presidential debates in my country and how to say that I have the slightest hope in the short-medium term in Brazil, each candidate worse than the other looking more and more like a circus than a country in itself but it has always been that way. .. thank you reader
28th of August
Amazing how nothing goes right when a streak of bad luck starts, everything goes like an avalanche and you can't escape, everything becomes horrible and everything that comes your way is horrible, it started this morning when I went to school on my bike and it was freezing cold, so much that I was trembling and grinding teeth all the 5 kilometers, after that an old story came back to haunt me, until after almost a month after the boy happened who got drunk, my neighbor arrives at my house and starts telling my mother a false story about what happened on that fateful day without consulting me, or asking me what really happened besides talking behind the door thinking I didn't I would listen to the lies she spoke about me.
Know that I'm still guilty for having started giving alcohol to older boys, but that boy and that specific day I did everything to not give it to him in previous times, I fought with the kids, I made moral speeches but nothing It got ahead and I took care of the boy, already feeling the effects of the drinks, I HELPED HIM, gave him water and listened to his personal problems and then spoke personally with his parents, but no, this woman comes to tell me that I gave him beer for him, AAAAA THE FUCK IS GOING, and my mother, when she found out about these LIES, started to argue with me and I replied saying that the story was a lie until she said that she totally lost trust in me, saying that I only get frustrated and that she would call my father and when calling my father the discussion continued and even my older brother, THE MOST USELESS HUMAN BEING IN MY LIFE, intruded, and as I was defending the truth at all costs they thought I was being cynical and air begrudgingly, all this for an argument that lasted an hour and a half, man that's not exhausting, but all this to be honest and now I'm going to have to deal all Saturday with my father screeching in my ear because of my "cynical behavior" " to help a drunk friend with serious psychological problems.
Another thing is that this boy after what happened was locked in the house by the shitty parents that the poor thing has and tried to kill himself more than once so much that his parents installed a hammock on the balcony, this boy is the biggest victim possible, I can't find cheers in his life, all because of me, other people and especially the unfortunate and irresponsible parents but I can't stay calm in a situation like this, it just shows how everything is just a succession of bad events caused by external factors and now I'm one of those who are having a hard time, I just want the good times of Isabelle's kisses and hugs to come back please, I don't ask fate for anything else, that's all, just a miserable support from someone who loved me, I run away, I do what necessary for everything to go back like in the month of may, i feel alone just going to school and feeling like a nobody, a kiss, her hickey, anything that reminds me of that day please i just want to run away from here and be saved and motivated by someone to s to overcome the wickedness of certain people. thank you reader