Fidomanin/my personal website/

My Diary

8th of April

Hey, how are you all, have been some quiet times this easter period, it didn't happen important things per se besides one, last weekend I went to my father's house and it was nice, my brothers had the opportunity of going to the circus on their local town party, the older one of the two was ecstasic all the spectacle but the younger just liked the second part of it because some Disney charactered customed guys appeared and he loved it, I had gone to the cinema twice in my life but they were a little amateur, this time I went and it had a lot of special effects and figurines and all of that, I bet that if I were on my brother's shoes I'd love it the same way but anyways they are still agitated and lovely as always and I suggested to my dad to go with them to the cinema here in SP to let them watch Mario as they rarely go to the cinema because their town doesn't have a cinema theatre and they absolutely are fascinated by Mario, he said that he'd think about it.

This week I prefered to get lazy af and just rest for some time, I just had one class on the week because of the extended holliday going to a family reunion on a cousin's home on sunday, we played some videogames, soccer with some kids and had some bacalhau, some couple of days before I had to talk with the same girl but she was really worried because a friend of mine had gossiped that she had bjed him which was fake just to look like a macho or something idk, I said to her that he uses to fabricate a lot of fake stories about himself and was going to confirm that it was false with him, then he admitted but the story got worse when he said to me that they betted 10 cup noodles if he got her to do a bj on him, he said he did and then the guy paid 10 cup noodles, if I say this story to her she'll be probably devastated that her body values 10 cup noodles, either way I'm fucked, if I don't tell her the whole truth of the situation I'll feel really guilty afterwards, if I tell her the whole truth she'll probably be really sad about it and I'll get screwed with them for telling their secret, they were going to solve it particularly with her telling her a half-truth and that's what I said to her, she asked me to tell the whole truth that she'd buy me some vodka, I answered her that I was going to think about it and invited her to swim with me this week if she feels like.

Also another friend of mine got really angry with a guy (this guy was dating) for him being with some girl alone on a dark place when he was just talking with her (he just admitted he liked her lol), me and my friend went to understand what was happening with him and to see his honest view saying ours as well and I was pressured till death to tell this friend the whole truth of my relationship with Isabelle, all of it, hers and mainly mine suicidal tendencies on that time, my promises, me seeing for weeks her town's website to see if she died, how M____ helped me that time and much more, it was something I didn't intend of talking about it someday but he insisted for like 15 minutes straight, I felt bad afterwards, it's like a part of me went away, I don't know what he can do with all of this information but there was one thing that was productive on the conversation, I finally discovered a lot of things about myself, the thing I want the most and what I'd be most glad and genuinely happy about being alive would be if M___ or Isabelle to just thank me for just being part of their lives, to see in them and understand that they both are better people and I was a little part of that huge change because honestly I think a lot about what I could've been if I didn't commit so much dumb failures and how I feel happy of seeing them on Instagram pictures so well, they look happy each day and one of my biggest happiness is to seeing them happy it's always been like that, I might be dramatic or I might have little self-love and all but it's kind of what would be one of the most important moments of my life if this aknowledgement happened and I also discovered that I will probably lie to my deathbed about myself, I can't be normally myself, people will probably never know my full story even my closest family members and my closest friends because they didn't actively participate of most of my life, it's honestly one of the emptiest feelings to discover that you lied and will lie to live and be someone of value, I don't think people value honesty that much and if you do not lie you'll not be accepted and probably seem as an insane person of sorts and people will avoid you for being yourself and failing instead of being accepted and try to help me or others of being better in general terms.

As for college, it's been going well, I tell some stories that are half truths or just plain lies and I speak ill of some stereotypes to seem like an interesting and different person and it's worked as far as I see it, when I make up stories or talk about things I don't like I seem more eloquent and confident, the people in my class in general tend to be what tech students are on average, shy, smart and reserved but with a good heart, which makes me take advantage of the opportunity to stand out with an unusual extroversion based on a make-up of self-confidence but I feel good anyway, today I stayed late because of work and I had good moments, it had been a while since someone rested their head on my shoulder, I remained pathetically motionless for a while because I didn't expect that physical intimacy out of nowhere (also because I thought she dated or something) like in that scene from Ratatouille in which the chef tastes a food that reminds him of his childhood lol, and I also chatted with a friend for a while (do I already have that intimacy with a friend but fuck it) which was a great conversation, we spoke with humor about several subjects like the specific mannerism of the people in our class, our passion for making websites, the three schoolworks we're going to have to do (and suffer) together, our hatred of today's ridiculous corporate culture and some teachers as well as a number of other subjects I've been able to relate to remarkably well and for the she liked my perception too, which I can't deny that it warmed my hopes a little in the future of my friendships, showing me that I can be an interesting and pleasant person, I already adressed it but I'll reiterate, the people of my group are really amazing, love talking to them.

Thanks for reading.

19th of April

Hey, how are you, I've been gone for some time without updating the website and things continue as always, college has been a little exhausting, it's work after work after even more work be it in groups or individually, it's really hard, my grades have been varying between 10's, 7's and 4's in different subjects but I think I can get better with time even though I'll don't have time to do a lot of things that I normally do like exercising, playing some football, or keyboard, the thing that's been intriguing me the most is my capacity to talk with anybody, I'm probably the only person that's talked minimally with every single person in this class at least once without without isolating myself in just one group, isolated groups that are forming slowly throughout time, this sort of 'talk in a single group' type of relationship with people is not what "combines" with me even if it's extremely unhealthy that I don't partake in it, it's something that should be the most natural thing for anyone but i simply can not, like, I'm a friendly person that makes people laugh and nice in general but I recognize my limits and the main one is that I'm not as open as I can and that limits me on having more profound conversations and gaining the necessary confidence for establishing a true friendship with anyone.

Tommorrow I'm going with my father and my younger brothers to my grandma's house and I'm very excited about it, I love that part of the family and that tiny town that we are used to go and it will be great talking to them again be it my cousins, my grandma or my grandpa but I'll have to work on a college presentation that is going to be on monday, hope I can balance both..

28th of April

Yeah, I'm back from my trip and it was honestly great, love seeing my father's branch of the family, it's always so soothing going there I played a lot with all of my cousins and my brothers as well as making my younger brother defy his fear of non-domesticated animals going with him to caress the chickens and mainly the Penelopes(on the photo), we had fun naming him and decided it'd be "Zulu, o Jacu Maneiro", I recently discovered that this bird is very but very docile understanding why there is this nickname called "Jacu da Ro├ža" for someone who is really passive at the point of being innocent lol, also the presentation was really great, we were probably the best presenting and the group that had more information on the brand and I could finish the Power Point on time, the robot project is ongoing and we are starting work and programming on the 4th.

Also the book reviews of Stolen Lives and La Dame aux Camelias is soon to be made and I can't believe that's almost May, time runs really fast although I don't really like this fact.