Future and Dreams
Well... the so-avoided future, it comes to my mind every morning and as you know I live in Brazil and there is a popular saying that says "Brazil is the country of the future, the problem is that this future never comes " and in that I represent my country very well since I basically have a life whose future also never comes and it has always been like this since since my childhood I fantasized about an American high school movie adolescence with lots of parties and adventures, well, that reality it never happened (basically my only fault) and when I realized that I had spent my adolescence sometimes isolated and sometimes doing superfluous things my adolescence was already ending and so I tried to focus on myself in school and professional, I took courses in HTML and CSS but I'm so lazy that I couldn't start the javascript one and when I tried to be harder in my studies, in a week my ego spoke louder and I gave up saying that it didn't make sense because I would go easily. and pass most subjects without even studying, all this giving up and procastination is like a disease that manifests itself in me in a somewhat strange way and totally consumes me.
But realistically speaking about my future I have some certainties and a lot of uncertainties, from the certainties I know that my mother wants me to be a person who achieves more than her and for me to work in a multinational and become a millionaire to make my family proud, and I have several problems with this thought, first that I am a person who is adaptable to bad situations and would have no problem if I lived for a while in misery and died alone, second is that I don't want and I don't have the slightest obligation and intention to be proud of 90% of my family because I don't care about these 90% getting out of my life completely because I only see them about 3 times a year, this 10% that is made up of my parents, younger brothers, aunt and part of my father's family is who I really care about I care since I know myself as a people besides that I think the world of multinationals and corporations must be extremely competitive in the bad part of the word where employees put each other down for promotions and falsehood runs rampant in the sacking of superiors.
However, I think that even with my numerous criticisms of this system and how bad it is for the soul and health of the individual and society I will have to be part of this "party" of the business world because I need money so it won't matter. my opinion on, and i am pretty sure i will be unhappy with my future job and my future life i will probably do CS at university because it is the most cost effective and i will try to make an effort to enter the increasingly bloated job market of companies of technology and I will try to evolve from there, take courses and more professional programming courses and see if I can get a home office job that I earn minimally to rent a house or an apartment in a small town because I want to get rid of SP as soon as possible and deal with with the people here in addition to having an opportunity to start over in another place and a place where the rent is cheaper than here, I will save money until I am 35 to buy a house and have a I don't have an income to live simply if I can, I would also like not to have the same profession for my whole life, in my 35 years I want to change my profession, but that would be just the ideal being optimistic, the reality is that life has so many meanders that a small thing has a domino effect and immediately becomes a huge problem and in the end I can easily become just another unhappy unemployed NEET kind of guy and I'll probably be comfortable having this lifestyle because I'd probably reason that "it's my childhood fault" and just be ok with it, this timeline really worries me a lot.
Lovingly and socially I'm very close to losing my hopes at once, having friendships in the first place is something new for me, of my 17 years only 3 I had friends and in those 3 years I broke up and went back to talk to them several times sometimes because of fights and arguments and that makes me pessimistic about friendships, and with love.... well love is my only maximum ambition, that's what I want to live for solely for this art which is to love someone to their fullest, do everything for her indiscriminately, that's what I crave but love is like a scalpel, you can do surgery to cure the patient permanently or you can cruelly kill him with that same object and for now that love has come but it's gone so impersonal, no goodbyes, no beating around the bush, but when it lasted it was the best thing that happened to me and I don't see any other way to happiness if not these feelings that even torturous in goodbyes are still beautiful feelings and not apathy and for me that's enough for me
I am a non-ambitious person but a dreamer all the same and I travel in these worlds created by my mind and I usually have a perfect whole life, narrated and I constantly visit it as if it were an alternative version of my life that serves as an aspiration for me, in it. I am a radiologist and I go to neighboring towns to work, I live in the south of Minas Gerais in a small town called Maria da Fé, on a site with a plot of land and there would be a stream that would run along the property, there would be a path of stones and benches on its bank, all lit by colonial lamps, and when I walked there, I would see my love upstream in a black dress and we would lie on the grass and contemplate each other hugging, in my house I would have a whirlpool, a garden of manacás and a place where I would raise goats, but every day they would end up with me and her hugging on the grass on weekends sometimes I would go to São Paulo to watch Corinthians games at the stadium, sometimes I would go to for a beach on the north coast or to visit my grandparents in Rio and every end of the year we would go on vacation to Morro de São Paulo which was the paradisiacal place the first time we saw each other, we would not keep in touch with many people and we would make friends with neighbors who we would affectionately invite to dinners on holidays and try in every way to do good to everyone no matter who, we would have some children that we would take care of and educate as best we could until at our 70s we would die together and be buried in the same way, in the same place.
20.11
I'm feeling weird lately about my future, I passed a year, I'm at a university I wanted to but something always intrigues me, nothing ever changes, girls come and go in my life, passengers on a train that always seems to have a scheduled time to leave and probably the way things are going it looks like i'll have another one to have an hour in heaven and then go out the back doors and this time it's not even that i really like her it's just that i'm purely horny for her when i drink and she opens up to me, lets me pick up on certain parts of her body...and honestly myself a few months ago would hate myself for that attitude because he would probably say "If you don't love her why trick her just to kiss her", "that's not true and in reality you feel empty inside" or "You're worthless, where is the man who loved I****** and M***", and actually I still agree with him, this man who loves M*** and I****** still exists somewhere inside me but what to do if you feel an enormous pleasure that may be about to be satiated, they're not here right now and probably won't be anytime soon, I can at least have a "snack" with someone else, one way or another I need real love, a hug, support, even if I don't deserve it .
Yes, I'm exaggerating and I know it, but maybe I'm not, it's just an instinct that thinks that secretly nobody likes me, that I'm a nuisance to others and that even if they say they like me or things I did, that would be in my paranoid mind lying just to to mitigate the humiliation of a pathetic man, besides that I'm looking for a sub-job as an attendant because I believe that my frontend development is still very rusty and maybe that will empty my mind, maybe I should start doing some kind of exercise but I don't think that my body even if ridiculously flabby needs changes, about my friends, yeah... it's always the same, I went back to talking to them even if I didn't want to, and it's still the same, it always feels like I'm forcing myself to go places just because I I feel absurdly alone and not because I'm genuinely having fun but in the end that's life as it is and always has been for me, whatever.
But all these are dreams that I live daily in my imaginative life and all this is in a way pathetic because I instead of living my own use of this divine instrument of imagination to escape my own so-called real life, but we have to agree that this real life currently overrated, I don't have many pleasures so for me it's necessary to use this artifice in a routine way and that's what I'll do with this page....