2022:Reflections and Expectations

Another year is coming to an end and I would first like to thank everyone who has been with me since my birth or readers of a day ago, you are important to me and even more so because this year has been the busiest and eventful of my life and whappened events that I will never forget and even with a discouraging ending in December (by my fault) if we are going to see in general lines everything that happened it can be said that there is still hope and that I will be able to find what I have always been looking for tirelessly.

Firstly I would like to quote a text I wrote in mid-2019 at the beginning of my high school after my troubled change of school whose title is "For me to laugh in 2023" and which listed my main goals until that year, which would be:

1. Someone who wants me.
2. A new group of friends my age who accept me
3. Extra energy in extra and intracurricular studies
4. A better relationship with my family
5. A life a little less boring

And I would say that in one thing Fidomanin of 2019 was right is that he would laugh instead of celebrating these accomplishments because every time I fulfilled one of these wishes it was fleeting, giving examples I had someone who only wanted me for months, I finally got one trio of friendships that made me feel optimistic and comfortable that was broken by a separation of parents, I had a lot of energy to study just for a few months HTML and CSS, I would say that I only have a good relationship with my family when I visit my grandma once a year and my life continues to a certain extent at a standstill, "so Fidomanin you will only blame external factors" of course not because I know that there were several factors solely mine because I also did not achieve it due to my giving up attitude or accidents on the way or lack of decision at times right as in the case of what could have been me and M*** if it weren't for my lack of courage in 2020 or if it weren't for my lack and impatience of wanting to see Isabelle everytims, what could have become of us? I don't know, but now that it's over, let's reflect not on these last few years, but in particular the last one of 2022 and what my future prospects will be for 2023 and what is to come in the short-medium term.

Once the rant is over, I can't express everything that happened with just words, but I'll try what I can in this text, the beginning of the year was one of reconstruction, I had never felt that way, in which nothing seemed to leave the place if not at the beginning of this year , friendships were sparse but there was a lot of drinking, nostalgia consumed me since the separation of M***'s father in the middle of 2021 and I could only feel what could have been between us (to be honest, I still think about it with a unhealthy frequency) so I spent my days in the same old routine, my mother on the contrary was at the height of her relationship with my stepfather, we traveled together at the end of January, me and the couple, and it was a trip of memory and for my stepfather to know places where we had already visited, in particular Morro de São Paulo, Itacaré, Salvador and Pipa, it was a good trip like every trip, the places were beautiful, the beaches were good and the food was delicious, returning from the trip, my school was back to be whole face-to-face in March and I had to go back to school life which was hard because I didn't know anyone as usual but I got used to the new routine of being one more in that crowd of students, another thing that happened in this first quarter was my sudden interest in programming , I remember that I liked to draw on Khan Academy and I wanted to see if I could learn something related and that's how I got to know the art of HTML and CSS, I truly don't regret it, being one of the best hobbies I've ever found, I took courses and started designing my first pages loose one by one and varied in theme, be it bakery or tourism I loved learning more and more until I decided to definitely do this project you are in, a space of mine on the internet, without fear of being judged with an affectionate and respectable community, at that time I went to rehearsals at samba schools drunk, fucking Corinthians was eliminated in the São Paulo championship for having a pathetic coach, speaking of football I played for amateur rounds where they sometimes invited me to complete the attack, I'm not one of the best running and defending but if I put myself isolated in the attack I'll score some goals...

April was already a time of embarrassment, too many embarrassments like the time a red pen burst in my hand and I thought it was bleeding or the time I slept in the bush and I had gone back and forth talking to some people, May was the month that the site started for good and what to talk about, it was the month that I went to Minas Gerais to celebrate my great-aunt's 90th birthday in a place that is paradise, there were streams, animals, forests virgins, friendly people, homemade and good food, I managed to communicate well to the point of meeting someone in the ENEM simulation, I still remember that girl from fishnet calling me out of nowhere while I was distracted looking into the void kkkk, also, the most What is important is that suddenly, because I was angry with myself for not being able to talk to someone else properly, I gave myself into the arms of Isabelle, my former suitor, the one who made me suffer the most and the one who made me feel most loved, so much so that at a time when I thought she h avia committed suicide I looked daily at the death registration website in her hometown, but apart from that she seduced me by saying exactly what I wanted to hear at the time and it may be that she really felt what she was saying but "You are the person I love the most and even if you didn't choose me I would still love you" is too much for me, but I fell for the hook, she hooked me and I went on the most unforgettable day of my life looking for her and how beautiful she looked, that mischievous look and sweetness that she gave me and everything that happened that day until goodbye in a scene kissing her in the taxi looking like a soap opera enchanted me, she promised me everything I wanted to the maximum, adrenaline followed by love and tranquility in addition to a huge responsibility for having a small chance in the air that I could have gotten her pregnant, all possibilities were open to my mind, working to visit her, I will, sending her sweet messages every day, I will, loving her unconditionally, I will and if she wants to kill herself I'll give her an end date to try and make her feel better if not I'll kill myself along with her because it would be a good ending for both of us as we were unwanted outcasts to everyone but ourselves, yes, that all passed in the my head and I was not just totally willing to everything, it was my goal, I never mentioned any of this to my therapist as she would put me in a psychiatrist I didn't even tell anyone because they would isolate me, but everything was going to end in June with the most sincere and emotional message I've ever written

"It's just that love, I really want us to work out, really, you have no idea, I'm madly in love, I arranged job interviews and I'm going to save money to travel there, I'm going to literally do everything to see you well if you decide that the best thing for you is not to see me ever again i will accept it because you happy is my only ambition nowadays. I love you and if you don't love me I'll still want you from afar. The only promise I want you to make me if you really want me is to love me forever know that if you die I'll look for you in heaven or hell for you from door to door, heaven to heaven, every suffering would be rewarded in the end by seeing you my fallen angel"
and our separation shook me completely, nothing could have affected me as much as that and if it wasn't for the help of M*** that stayed nights and more nights accompanying me so I don't do anything wrong I genuinely don't know how I would be, she is a special person that I have the greatest appreciation, far or near I wish and will wish the best for her in all circumstances because what she's already did for me is not in the books, in the same way from June until the end of September I drank liters and liters of alcohol, what I had at home I drank, vodka, gin, wine and my dear cachaça that never leaves me at home, on the street or even in empty classrooms, in addition to that I isolated myself from everyone around me, on social media and in real life, I didn't want anyone else, everything was boring, bad and disgusting to live with, spend every day in an endless stagnation is torture, Isabelle tirelessly called, every week I sent her messages asking us to come back and that I would promise her the world but nothing happened.

In September I already started to accept the fact that she wouldn't come back and that nothing would make her come back, this month the entrance exam season started and I passed the first one that I'm going to enroll for next year, I took Enem and Fuvest and my year School was already assured that I would finish without major problems (not to mention the fights I had with my mother because of half a point in the average that I recover easily) and this time M*** invited me to go to a party in November and I I accepted because I missed her immensely and I know it wouldn't work because I didn't know anyone in her circle of friends at the same time as being as sociable as a grasshopper but I wanted to challenge myself anyway and try to have another adventure, see where life would take me and it did in november it all culminated in a lame alligator costume with one good hookup, it was nice to be with her and see how bubbly she is and basically the star of the party who shone in every sides for all people, she outshines me very well, we don't match, while she's the star that shines hard non-stop I'm the cloud that appears from time to time, but seeing her happy as she was was worth it, kissing her was very good even with the setbacks of me being ridiculous with that costume and acting awkward, at least she said it was good too...

But soon after as the last person who was with me abandoned me I did the exact thing that Isabelle did, with different reasons, Isabelle abandoned me because I was needy, I abandoned M*** because I was needy and didn't want to be one uncomfortable, she made it very clear that she didn't want anything serious and I always wanted something serious which makes me feel bad because every time I look at her I only think of one thing and that is how I would like to have something serious with a woman like that, and yes , I know I was selfish but I know it would be worse if I insisted on wanting something but at the same time I could have continued a healthy friendship but someday I'll talk to her again maybe next year. December was a terrible month as I was with a girl who doesn't like me, I found out that my friends don't care about me, there were more fights, my mother started to push me harder since she had split with her boyfriend and had broken her leg , likewise my brother, my father became unemployed and my country's national team put an end to all my football expectations for the year as Corinthians was robbed in a final....

With this golden key (more of a shit key to be honest) this year was the most eventful of my life, I would say that the best year was 2020 but this one gave me a lot to talk about and my perspectives are two based on two different views, the first is a magnifying glass looking closely at how I felt this last month which the answer is bad and the other is a camera observing from afar the general panorama of this whole year which even with a lot of psychological confusion and a lot of apathy and isolation as a consequence gave me a lot of opportunities to change and if this happens again it may be that if one of these opportunities is repeated next year maybe I'll get it right this time and make learning from my failures worthwhile by making it work this time, my realistic expectations are that I least try even with so many mental blocks and difficulties meeting new people in college, keep reading, do some kind of exercise, take the opportunity until August to intensively learn javascript, react, git and bootstrap, find a job after the month of august since i will be 18 and (please god) released from the mandatory enlistment and overall trying to be a good friend, a good brother, a good son.

And if i will find a new love, i don't know, if i'll get true friendships, i don't know, if i'll make it out alive, honestly I don't know, but anyway thank you very much to everyone who participated and followed me for another year, have a good day and a good year, hugs, Javier.

"Oh God, a moment of bliss why it's not enough to satisfy a lifetime."